At the glorious age of 15 (yes, 15, admittedly too old for this to happen), my favorite activities included binge-watching The Walking Dead, and searching my asthma symptoms on Web M.D. and diagnosing myself with immaculate conception. I never shook the latter hobby, as on average I send a picture of my tonsils to my mother twice a week to make sure I’m not dying. It was fall 2014. The Houston air was transitioning from humid to slightly less humid, and I had traded in my Sperry’s for a darker look of a Miley Cyrus lob, and a Sharpie tattoo of a triangle that captured the essence of my new high school identity.
Warning: The following is semi-educational and not recommended for the purposes of actual guidance. My colleague, Deeridre, is not a certified advice columnist, nor is her advice very applicable to modern college life, but she certainly puts our silly student problems in perspective. Take her word with a salt lick.
Greetings human juveniles of Kenyon College,
Today’s Kenyon Kritters features a special guest author: it’s me! I ran into your regular correspondent, Sarah, as I often do in the fields down at the BFEC, and she sighed and told me “Deeridre, everyone keeps asking me for advice with their human problems, like I have the slightest idea what they’re talking about!” Well, as the responsible adult, I decided to put hoof to keyboard and help the poor child out, so I’ve ruminated on your letters and attempted to answer some of your concerns. And I only ate, like, 6.
Three years into the school year and you think you’ve got it all figured out… there’s a seating chart to Old Side and Peirce at noon is a lot like hell on earth – what more is there to know? Lots. There is much wisdom that hath yet to be imparted unto you. #yourewelcome.
1. Keep yourself preoccupied so as to not think about the inevitability of a slow descent into atrophy. The universe is unwinding, your cells vibrating at a speed you cannot comprehend; the night calls you to sleep but you do not have to listen. Keep your eyes open, keep your mind busy, you do not have to succumb, not yet. Continue reading
Ah yes, my dear, the Gambier water tower. It elicits a great bounty of strange and powerful emotions in the pit of your precious little belly, doesn’t it? It certainly does in mine. Many a time I’ve gazed at it while taking a brisk, reflective, horribly guilt-ridden constitutional following unspeakable acts in and near the Beta Temple. I’ve thought to myself, “wouldn’t it be lovely to scale this mysterious spire and quaff the purifying liquids I know it holds.” You too, right? Why yes, you say? I’m glad we share this impulse. Well then, you’ll be happy to hear that I recently had the pleasure of communing directly with the Tower itself. Read on if you want to know the sweet secrets of its love.