4 o’clock list: everyone at this goddam airport who can go suck a rotten egg

That’s right. I’m at the airport on this fine December 26th. It is four in the morning, pre-butt-crack of dawn, sustained by last night’s Christmas fried chicken and rage. And if I die in this godforsaken airport, cremate me, and snort my ashes in front of TSA, buy a commemorative plaque and cement it into the O’Hare floor in my name. For Elise Tran, who hated this airport and everyone in it. Send forth Danny De Vito, and may the good and wise man present each and every person on this list with a single rotten egg. And tell them, Danny. Tell each and every one of them, from me, from my chapped lips pale with the tint of sweet and nearing death–tell them I told you to tell them to suck it.

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Liveblog: The 84th Annual Academy Awards

Oh, look, Billy Crystal is hosting. What year is this?

As you know unless you’re living not only under a rock but at the bottom of the sea, tonight is the 84th annual Academy Awards. There will be people in ugly dresses, people in pretty dresses and film nerds around campus yelling obscenities at various communal television sets. I’m liveblogging the event from the Caples lounge, both the show itself and the experience of watching the Oscars at Kenyon.

If you’re going to follow along at home, the full list of nominees can be found here.

11:39 p.m.: And they’re over. It was overall an underwhelming evening, but who cares? We don’t really watch the Oscars because we expect innovation. They’re just fun no matter what.

11:36 p.m.: Best Picture goes to The Artist. We all go “yup, called it,” then applaud anyway because The Artist actually was wonderful. Also, the dog is there! Continue reading

Liveblog: Sophomore Web Registration

Here, we liveblog the course selection apocalypse.

11:00: I have entered into one of the glass rooms at the end of Tomsich, because the internet is supposedly faster here, I need total silence to do this and because I need to be near the forest to benefit from its positive energy.

11:12: Three minutes out. I’m having minor heart palpitations.

11:13: Oh my God, the registrar clock is fast! GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!

11:14: I got all of my classes. The adrenaline is still coursing through my veins.

11:15: Just realized how much reading I’m going to have next semester. The palpitations are back.