I forced a bot to read over 1,000 Kenyon allstus and asked it to write an allstu. Here is the result:



A greeting to the Sad Children!

The Music Lessons march to their deadline like ominous ants. But– worry not, young Revelers:

[image result for John Green Contemplating. The teeth…they come out of hiding]

The registrar will cradle you gently until 4:69 PM

A sweet plea for your presence that does not reveal how desperate I truly am.


Signs off wetly,

Professor Spiderman



Where’s It At? (9/7/18)

Where’s It At? (9/7/18)


Hello hello, welcome back monsters! It is I, the Where’s It At Goblin, and as you have hopefully already realized, this is not a video. On the contrary, it is a text post!

We are doing some reorganization at the Thrill, and the fact of the matter is the previous work schedule of weekly Where’s It At? content is untenable, and its demands broke all of our video editor Michael Lahanas‘ bones. (He’s the reason for every Where’s It At? you’ve ever enjoyed.) Because of this, he is now just a shuffling mass of jagged skin, flopping around wherever his skeletal fragments allow him to go.

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10 o’clock list: Jokes I Will Never Stop Telling

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Hello everyone it is I, the Repeats Their Jokes Goblin! And boy oh boy, what a nightmare of a semester this has been. Winter lasted until late April, the campus is being torn up all around us, NightWorld chaos has erupted within our very library, the things we anticipated the most have been disastrous looks into our dark selves, and of course we are on the precipice of Sendoff. That’s right, we are staring headlong into the biggest party weekend of the semester, featuring three refugees from an alien dystopia in identical white turtlenecks playing computer noise at us before a hard cut into Kenyon’s premiere sadboi indie pop group, and of course, a party literally named for containing wild animals. Continue reading

Moderate Slang for Mod Growing Pangs


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There are the beauts.


Hello, it is I, the Modular Unit Goblin! And another week at Kenyon means another week of putting up with whatever absolute bullshit the administration is trying to tell us is good for Kenyon. But today I won’t be talking about that problem, I’ll be talking about our beloved library replacements, and their very fast delivery onto Ransom Lawn.

We know that these modular buildings will quickly integrate into Kenyon’s culture. So we here at The Thrill have come up with some modular unit slang we think will come out of these new buildings. And boy, I know I sure can’t wait to try out all these new phrases!

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Liberal Arts’ Janney-Radnor Sex Scene: A Critical Analysis


Oh hello! It is I, the Irresponsibility Goblin! Your personal piece of trash going nowhere fast! My face has nary been around these parts as of late, for a number of reasons. Most of them having to do with my taking on a frankly unrealistic amount of academic work, but we’re not here to talk about that. We’re here because staff writer Nate Winer wanted somebody to close read a scene from Josh Radnor’s famous Liberal Arts, the Kenyon masterpiece. I begged him for it, and have now come out of my self-imposed exile to fulfill this promise. So here it is folks–I’m going to close read the scene where Josh Radnor has sex with Allison Janney.

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