Good lord. This weekend. It didn’t really break ME, but it surely broke some of my friends. The play I was stage managing went up this weekend (burtle flur by jacky silvertoe) and that was CRAZY. If any of you saw two lanky sophomores carrying pitchers of yellow liquid through the servery last week, those were my assistants stocking up for our stage beer. Turns out green tea is a very convincing substitute for beer, as proven by all the LOOKS they got during dinner rush. Closing a show always has its own sort of ~catharsis~ but OH BOY did that catharsis take a turn Saturday night post-cast-party (classic theatre kid bullshit, sorry, but also not sorry at all). Now let’s keep in mind that Senior Soiree was occurring at the same time that night. But I guarantee that the belligerent little boy I was supervising went unparalleled to any senior drunk off the school’s dime. But do not fret, he got tucked into bed at the end of the night, perfectly safe, albeit near tears about how beautiful Catcher in the Rye is. That was basically my whole weekend, but here’s my high/low/buffalo anyway:
This weekend was Kenyon’s Halloweekend, which means many of you spent your eves romping around campus in costumes that varied from poorly executed puns, to niche references that read to maybe 5% of the student body, to inexplicably sexy professions and/or notable figures (and however you put this fit together, it probably cost too much money to make it worth it). I don’t mean to rain on the joys of Halloween. In fact, I love Halloween. Halloween slaps. Halloween is my middle name! Halloween is my fucking birthday! (But actually, Halloween is my literal birthday.) I just—Okay. Frankly, I find the college culture of Halloween to be disappointing. No one seems to care about pumpkins anymore. The audience for my references to the Halloweentown movies (Halloweentown, Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge, Halloweentown High, and Return to Halloweentown) is dwindling. CANDY HAS BECOME A PRACTICALLY IRRELEVANT COMPONENT TO THE HOLIDAY. I long for the days when I’m finally a real adult, and I can dress up far too complexly for my age and just give out the king-size candy bars to adorable children who actually understand and appreciate the spirit of Halloween. BUT I DIGRESS. Let’s get to the update, because that’s what you’re actually here for, right?
The Monday to end all Mondays. We’ve missed you. Continue reading
Hip Hip Hooray – it’s Monday. Mia and Nate accosted me at the Tommy’s on Saturday, pinning me into one of Gund Common’s many exciting corners. They lovingly placed their elbows to my throat, and said in wonderfully choreographed alternation, “Hey shit-stain, it’s your turn to write the Monday Catch-up!”
Wow! Amy Leech ’19 came back from her first semester with bangs and she thinks she is the shit.
The McBride resident wasn’t sure about taking the plunge and snipping off her locks. Despite her personal subscription to the New York Times, owning those boots every girl has, and 3.89 GPA, Amy still didn’t feel like she meshed with the Kenyon community.
“I just didn’t have that it factor,” she explained to her hairstylist as she stared at her self in the mirror. Amy said she knew her next words would siesmically shake from her home town of Leechburgh, Pennsylvania to Gambier, Ohio.
“I want bangs.”
After convincing herself that brown hair, too, would make her fit in to the campus even more, she left the salon with a full head of poop brown, fringey bang hair.
Amy felt like the shit walking down middle path. She sadly was not and no one really cared. The same was true for Brice who dyed his hair blue, Cloe who got a septum ring, and Jackie who gained seven pounds.
How was your break?
Who’s patient zero? If you are, stay away from me. If you aren’t, stay away from me. No way my temple of a body can be reduced to FILTH by “influenza” just because you didn’t get your flu shot (or maybe you got your shot and it didn’t work, which still translates as stay. away. from. me). Look, I feel for you. Getting sick right before finals is a huge pain, but it is an even larger pain if I get sick before finals. I have a blog to run. So excuse me if my precautionary hazmat suit and Clorox wipes offend you this week. How was your weekend? (I hope you got some sleep patient zero)
“Fools was a sensory overload nightmare.”
“Eggs are such a treat after a wild night.”
Good morning my sweet peppers!
My name is Mia Fox. Gosh I hate to do this, but I lost myself last week. I was in the KAC women’s visiting swim team locker room and I put myself in a locker. When I got back from swimming, I was gone. I believed in Kenyon community as a group of students I could trust. Now, however, I am disheartened by the blatant disrespect not only for me, but for myself. Myself was given to me by someone really close to me, and I would love to be reunited soon. If you have seen me, myself, or I, please call 555-555-5555. Please do NOT respond to this email if you think you are a budding comedian and want to make the same tired joke about your “bike” or “pin” or “left testicle” being lost. I really just want to find myself before the end of the year. My mom will be so upset when she comes to pick me up and discovers that someone took myself away from me. ugahagh. I’m gonna go vomit; I’m so nervous thinking about it. How was your weekend?