You know the scene: It’s a Saturday night. You and your friends have just finished gorging on some Dominos cheesy bread after a night of hitting up a random all-campus followed by some NCA-hopping. You and your friend are the last two survivors at 3 AM when everyone’s gone to sleep, hiding out in the common room as both of your roommates are asleep. It is my theory the deepest of conversations happen past midnight, but that’s kind of hard to accomplish when so many weird beings pass through the common room in a drunken stupor. Here are some freaky things I’ve overheard or seen in the common room at 3 AM.
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It Happened to Me: I Spent Five Minutes in LAX NCA and Now I Have a Massive Ulcer
Picture this: it is your second weekend on The Hill. You and your friends have just skillfully finessed your way into LAX NCA, where the music is loud, the heat is oppressive, and some sophomore is dry-heaving into a bag of Doritos. You stay for a few minutes — just long enough to acquaint yourself with the entire first floor of Gund — before receding back into the tepid womb that is your first-year dorm.
Upon waking up the next morning, you feel different. Perhaps, you suppose, you’re a changed woman — perhaps last night’s sweaty pilgrimage finally transformed you into the poised, self-sufficient, borderline emaciated Kenyon girl that you’ve always aspired to be.
As it turns out, you’ve just developed a massive ulcer.
10 o’clock list: DIY Housing Backup Plans
Hanna Hall, aka “yeah you probably can’t live here”
Okay shhhhhh, okay shhhhhhh- I know getting a shitty lottery number is the worst. There, there please do not cry. Seriously, your snot is on my denim jacket (it’s spring I’m not wearing water repellent fabric anymore). Housing lottery woes can be stressful, and with its arrival fast approaching, we’ve got some alternative solutions to that Mather triple you’ve been simultaneously coming to terms with and dreading. Here are a few places you can try to live in next year:
1. Third Floor Ascension. The study space at the top of Ascension has it all. It’s less than a minute walk to Peirce, which means you can actually get breakfast before your 9:40. Its look is ~classic Kenyon, mainly because of those stained glass windows. And, let’s face it, those couches are way comfier than your bed.
Nuanced NCA Names
“Fake Adulthood,” “White-Washed Suburbia,” and “Mommy Needs Her Happy Juice, Now Stop Hitting Your Brother With The Nerf Gun Your Father Bought You,” are just a few of the weird names you can give an NCA. We asked you for all the pet names you have for your small cube of strange dystopian-style housing, check ’em out after the jump!
10 o’clock list: Places They Don’t Take You On The Tour
They don’t take tours here. (Photo by Leslie Martin’14)
Everyone knows that college tours tend to gloss over the more unsavory aspects of the institution. Thankfully, Kenyon is still a pretty cool school even after you realize that it isn’t quite the Hogwarts you thought it was. Yet, there are some campus spots that tour guides avoid like the plague. What follows is only a cursory list of places that your guide just happened to forget to show you.
- Third Floor Ascension — Though the room itself is certainly charming, Third Floor Ascension was not made for being shown on tours. I doubt that students upset about being woken up from their naps aren’t the “Face of Kenyon” that the Admissions office is hoping to show (especially if you have some drool on your face. It’s okay, we’ve all had it happen).
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The Kenyon Thrill 