It’s October break. You’ve just coasted through your first month at Kenyon with good grades and you’re ready to go home. When you finally get there you see your dog or your cat or whatever, and you see your brother or sister whatever, but something’s missing… Your parents are gone! You did so well in college that they have nothing to admonish you about. They have no reason to talk to you. Damnit! Here’s a list of ideas that’ll help you turn it around and tank your first semester so your parents will definitely talk to you over Thanksgiving break…
It’s that time of year again, when campus is full of people who are not students but probably wish they still were. They dress nicer than you. They are kind of old. They wear trendy glasses (tortoise shell or clear) and use trays in Peirce. There is not enough parking for their Subarus and Audi station wagons. They are your parents, and they are coming. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do with your parents for a whole weekend, (how did they entertain you for your 20 something years?), but here are some ideas.
- Go to Walmart and make them buy you mini doughnuts, condoms, and Capri-Sun pacific coolers.
Show them the stain on your comforter where you spilled blood and red wine while trying to use your roommate’s sword to open a bottle of Barefoot via information provided in this NPR article because now you go to a liberal arts school and read NPR.
Hit the VI and bring your friends so they can assess the stability of the new support system you have transitioned to while enjoying tater tots and macaroni and cheese.
Point out the desk in the library where you cried over that econ midterm, which will soon be destroyed, because, if you didn’t know, the 2020 plan is ruining lives!
Take them to the upside down tree and leave them there. They will be lost. Come back for them later if you so please.
I look fondly upon fall break as if it was yesterday, because it was. Fall was working hard, and it deserved some “me time.” So, fall took a nice, well-deserved break and for four days we had weather sans season. It was quite the weather —let me tell you. Thursday was blustery. Friday was chilly. This weekend was all tornadoes and tsunamis! When fall is away, the weather will play, as the saying goes. Now I have the pleasure of welcoming you back to campus, suckers. If it’s any consolation, Thanksgiving break is only 39 days, 9 hours, 7 minutes, and 54 seconds away. Ok. Ok. I’ll stop rubbing salt in the wound. This whole “going to class” thing isn’t easy for me either. Here’s what you thought of break.
“I regret peeing in my own trash can”
“I’d say I had a net negative weekend”
It’s been real. It’s been fun. And I guess it’s been real fun. Now, the hard question, how do I explain all of this to my parents?
We’ve all been to Peirce at common hour on a Tuesday. One minute you’re on hunt for the last scoop of fries before they run out, the next, the literal Hunger Games are upon you. No one is safe. No one makes it out entirely whole. Here are some people to look out for to ensure that the odds are ever in your favor.