The Thrill’s Holiday Gift Guide: How to Shop for Your Parents in the Market and Bookstore


The fall semester is almost over here at gay old Kenyon College, and while the impending doom of finals may be muting your holiday cheer, they are coming. And that means that you have to stop toying with the idea of opening your Psych textbook for the first time in months and start thinking about how the hell you are going to get your parents something for the holidays at the tiniest college in the world. Well, have no fear! The Thrill is here to help aid you with this handy guide of unforgettable gifts from the Village Market and Kenyon Bookstore.

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10 o’clock list: Ways to Lower Your Grade and Get Attention This Fall

It’s October break. You’ve just coasted through your first month at Kenyon with good grades and you’re ready to go home. When you finally get there you see your dog or your cat or whatever, and you see your brother or sister whatever, but something’s missing… Your parents are gone! You did so well in college that they have nothing to admonish you about. They have no reason to talk to you. Damnit! Here’s a list of ideas that’ll help you turn it around and tank your first semester so your parents will definitely talk to you over Thanksgiving break…

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10 o’clock List: How to Entertain Your Parents This Weekend


The author with her parents

It’s that time of year again, when campus is full of people who are not students but probably wish they still were. They dress nicer than you. They are kind of old. They wear trendy glasses (tortoise shell or clear) and use trays in Peirce. There is not enough parking for their Subarus and Audi station wagons. They are your parents, and they are coming. I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do with your parents for a whole weekend, (how did they entertain you for your 20 something years?), but here are some ideas.

  1. Go to Walmart and make them buy you mini doughnuts, condoms, and Capri-Sun pacific coolers.
  2. Show them the stain on your comforter where you spilled blood and red wine while trying to use your roommate’s sword to open a bottle of Barefoot via information provided in this NPR article because now you go to a liberal arts school and read NPR.

  3. Hit the VI and bring your friends so they can assess the stability of the new support system you have transitioned to while enjoying tater tots and macaroni and cheese.

  4. Point out the desk in the library where you cried over that econ midterm, which will soon be destroyed, because, if you didn’t know, the 2020 plan is ruining lives!

  5. Take them to the upside down tree and leave them there. They will be lost. Come back for them later if you so please.

The Monday Catchup


I need four types of ketchup to satiate my palate: banana, pumpkin spice, spicy chili, and monday.


I look fondly upon fall break as if it was yesterday, because it was. Fall was working hard, and it deserved some “me time.” So, fall took a nice, well-deserved break and for four days we had weather sans season. It was quite the weather —let me tell you. Thursday was blustery. Friday was chilly. This weekend was all tornadoes and tsunamis! When fall is away, the weather will play, as the saying goes. Now I have the pleasure of welcoming you back to campus, suckers. If it’s any consolation, Thanksgiving break is only 39 days, 9 hours, 7 minutes, and 54 seconds away. Ok. Ok. I’ll stop rubbing salt in the wound. This whole “going to class” thing isn’t easy for me either. Here’s what you thought of break.

“I regret peeing in my own trash can”

“I’d say I had a net negative weekend”

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