Newman Day is coming. Paul Newman went to Kenyon, isn’t that neat? One time he said “There are both 24 beers in a case and hours in a day — there should be a holiday commemorating this,” or something like that. I’m not sure who made the connection that the holiday should be celebrated by drinking 24 beers in 24 hours, sounds dangerous but whatever. Anyway, he/she went to Kenyon (Or maybe Bates), so that’s cool too. But, a lot of us are gonna celebrate tomorrow, here’s a rough timeline of events to get you in the mood.
Recently, I was reminded by my Thrill colleague’s timely roast of Rutherford B. Hayes that some seriously influential and somewhat baller people have graduated from Kenyon over the past hundred-odd years. With this knowledge dancing around in my brain box, I was compelled to ask: What would it be like if a bunch of successful alumni got together and had weird kids? Once that idea nugget poked its head out of the proverbial egg that is my skull, nothing could stop me from making my dream a reality. Man-man couplings that can’t produce children? Non-intersecting lifespans? WHO CARES. Let’s smash some faces together and see what we get.
Kenyon’s alumni are some of the best and brightest in the world (we happen to think). In this new feature, we’ll be celebrating some of our most beloved Kenyon alums with the highest honor any mortal can hope to achieve: notes/letters published on the Internet. Yes, that’s right, the Internet.
Dear Paul Newman,
Thank you so frickin much for Seabiscuit. Ohh wait wait! …wrong alum. You’re that expensive salad dressing guy—the hot shot with the chin dimple. Honestly, I find it difficult to believe you were that handsome in college. With a jawline like that, your presence likely tipped Kenyon’s delicate balance of average looking people to slightly above average looking people.* In this regard, you and I are quite alike. I’d like to think you were a N.A.R.P. like me.
This post was co-authored by Claire Berman ’16 and Emma Specter ’15.
As you may be aware, Honors Day was today, and just to answer the question you’re all asking yourselves — no, the Thrill didn’t win anything, but it would have been an honor just to be nominated. (We weren’t. It’s fine. Whatever.) However, we do have some suggestions as to categories that, for whatever reason, weren’t brought up this year — we’re confident that by next spring’s awards, all of these categories will be formally awarded to the most deserving candidates.
1. “The Jean Dunbar Caples Award for Staying in Your Room All The Time”
Still fretting about your attire for tonight? Fear not, these alumni know what’s up. Whether you’re going for strange or sexy, just remain true to yourself–and your mom. Continue reading