Every time October 31st rolls around there’s a sense of spook in the air. You can feel it. There is an energy traveling through the campus among the fall foliage. Sometimes it’s hard to know how this manifests and what to do with all those spooky feelings. But, alas, do not fear. Read on and get spooky. Continue reading
It’s October! The leaves are changing, you’re realizing that you shouldn’t have skipped that week of Modern Quest readings, and your once-perfect skin is beginning its annual shedding. With the cold weather comes dry skin and, boy, this year it’s looking rough. Your Glossier moisturizer has dried up and your $30 Organic Spirulina Gluten-Free Foaming Face Mask has grown spots of its own, so what can you do? This wouldn’t be a problem if you had access to a Lush or even the Target skin care aisle, but the closest thing in Gambier is the Burt’s Bees section in the Bookstore and, let’s be honest, your frequent VI trips have left you with a measly $3.44 on your K-Card. I guess you’ll just have to eat away your sorrows in… That’s it! Peirce! It’s time to game the system and make your meal plan work for you and your face.
Zo, you trickster, you!
Look, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. Here at the Thrill we like to do dumb shit in Peirce that would upset our health-conscious parents and is probably contributing to our inevitable descent into heart failure. It’s almost become a rite of passage to debase ourselves in the servery and this week, it’s finally my time to shine. But what could I do that would keep your attention? How do I cater to the ever-shifting eye of Kenyon’s student body?
My answer: I let an AI tell me what to eat. It made me physically ill. It made me sad.
This is my story.
Happy year one to Kenyon’s Class of 2022! We, the Council of Elders, are very pleased and excited to have you here with us. We love your style, your spirit. Your large numbers. Your sweet, chittery little bird voices as you skip down Middle Path in droves, animatedly discussing how awesome your English 103 classes are. Yes! We love you very, very much!!! Because of how much we love you, we at the Thrill would like to quell your nerves a little bit by giving you some advice about how to Make It in this crazy cartoon college. If you take our advice, you are certain to graduate!!! 100% money back guarantee. Have a good day, sweetie, and don’t forget to eat lunch! Xoxo, the Kenyon Thrill. WE LOVE YOU!!!
Snowboarding enters Pierce, walking on the seal like they always do. The just came out of their 9:40 class where they made wildly outrageous comments, using the right words but always producing an incoherent conclusion. Snowboarding is the type of kid that doesn’t use shower shoes but does own a blow dryer. They’ve been known to fuck up royally, time and time again, but their friends forgive them and like to tell the story of that one time, freshman year, when Snowboarding did an air-to-fakie-mclovin-ollie-nickolas-cage-switch-flip-shaun-white-bring-back-your-long-hair-1080 out of the bullseye window.
Snowboarding settles down on old side with a Peirce Cup full of whole milk.
Not this kind of wine!
As a Kenyon student, one of my favorite things to do is to sit down to eat and complain about things that 1) help me now, 2) will help me later, and 3) have no effect on my life. So, like, everything! But sometimes there’s so much to moan about that it’s hard to choose what’s ruining my life today. To help with that terrible problem, here are some classic Peirce dishes to pair with some fine Kenyon whines.
The stars tells us a lot about how we live, how we love, and whether or not we read the instructions before microwaving hot pockets. These celestial objects can also help us to understand the way we process emotion. Here’s how you cry in Peirce based on your zodiac sign.
