10 o’clock list: Plausible Kenyon Summer Blockbusters

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It is finally May. The sun is out, the birds are singing annoyingly loud at six in the morning, and that person that you embarrassed yourself sexually in front of is finally graduating. Things are looking up! And despite the occasionally torrential downpour of rain, the weather is finally nice. You can go for a hike, drift down the Kokosing in a raft, or take advantage of the clear skies to take a drive to the Mt. Vernon Premiere Theatre and sit in air-conditioning for two and a half hours to watch the biggest feature films Hollywood has to offer. And though we are all excited for Kenyon alum Ransom Riggs’ ’01 Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children opening this fall, I think there is a lot more Kenyon could offer the silver screen. So here are five of my most humble suggestions. (Call me, Hollywood.)

 

1. Captain Tacci: Return to Kenyon. In this feature film, our heroine Tacci Smith returns to Kenyon after a terrifying time away. She singlehandedly finds the Peirce cups and saves Sunset Cottage, all while feuding with her frenemy Iron Kane, when their administrative differences threaten to tear Kenyon apart.

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“YOU’VE BEEN CHASED”: Kenyon ‘Ghosting’ Starts Now

Via tumblr.com

As a junior, Kenyon has started to lose a little bit of its novelty. This can only be described as the !!New Haircut!! effect. You know–you see it in a magazine and it looks super fab on the model, so you head off to the hairdresser, make the commitment, and snip snip! It’s done. It looks great for a while. You don’t mind the adjustment, you take the time to make it right. But then it starts growing. Before you know it, your head is 1/2 mullet, 1/2 Rogaine model and you’re ready to shave it all off and color it in with Crayola markers. Continue reading

10 o’clock list: Erotic Novels for Kenyon Students

Please please me. (via bellesbookshelf.blogspot.com)

“Oh dear. This hand has nowhere to go!” (via bellesbookshelf.blogspot.com)

We are students at an institution that boasts some of the greatest names literary history on the alumni and staff roster. We’ve got E.L. Doctorow and P.F. Kluge, along with Robie Macauley and even John Green. Do you think John Crowe Ransom would be caught dead with a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in his bag? Hell no. But we all have needs, and those needs need to be met. So I give you my ideas for erotic novels that would please the sensitive and slightly pretentious palate of a liberal arts student.

1. A Man Will Always Need Moore. In this false historical account, our esteemed College founder travels to England to receive funds for his school. Amongst a crowd of benefactors, he meets Hannah Moore. Expecting a crotchety old maid, he’s surprised to find that this older woman is vivacious and full of wit. He falls for her personality, her poetry and finally her body. But this religious man must come to terms with the fact that this relationship is doomed — he’s married and must return to Ohio as soon as he finds sufficient funds. Filled with unmatched passion, A Man Will Always Need Moore is an unexpected ecclesiastical pleasure house and not to be missed.

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Science Majors Interpret Campus Modern Art

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What’s up, humanities nerds! I’m here to come drop some hard science on your asses! The silent majority is now rising; biologists, chemists, physicists, [Ed: and mathematicians] STAND UP!  It’s time to take our talents to Gambier. You ain’t never seen anything like this. It’s time we put ourselves at the front of your lecture halls and show you our interpretations. Get buckled in, because I’m about to show you what these sculptures really mean.
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