The Friday Ketchup

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This is the introduction to the Friday Ketchup. It’s the part of the feature where I usually go on about some unimportant event or create some vaguely funny story in an attempt to entertain you, my small readership. Ultimately, of course, nothing I write here really matters, and it will be forgotten by everyone, including myself, within a few hours. Such is the ephemeral nature of the written word on the Internet. All I can hope to do is write this piece for a few more weeks and then graduate, after which the Friday Ketchup will quickly be left behind, taking up storage space on a server somewhere, but not doing much else. Sure, I suppose someone may stumble upon one of these articles once in a while by accident, but they’ll move on even more quickly than you, picking it up and putting it down like a shell you find at the sea shore. It may be appreciated in the moment, but is soon forgotten for the next shell on a beach full of them. Though perhaps all we have are the moments, maybe that’s all there is. If we try to hold on to those moments, a million more pass us by. So I guess what I’m saying is: it’s the Friday Ketchup. Continue reading

The Friday Ketchup

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Welcome back from break, kiddos. I hope you all got to spend some time tanning like I did. I sure do love peeling off the skin from every inch of my body, the intense satisfaction of it slowly detaching in my fingers. Like a molting snake I am born anew, tan and clean. All look in awe at my bronzed body, basking in my otherworldly glow. I have absorbed the Sun and taken its light. Darkness runs from me and the pale northern hordes are forced to shield their eyes from my brilliance. I am a golden god. Nothing can stop me. It’s the Friday Ketchup. Continue reading

The Friday Ketchup

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It’s the last day before Spring Break. That’s right, soon you’ll be sitting at home or at a beach or somewhere else relaxing and enjoying your downtime, forgetting about everything at Kenyon, including all that work that your professors assigned over break. That’s right, you won’t be reading that 300-page book for your English class, or that dense 50-page article for Political Science, and you definitely won’t be writing that paper due a few days after you get back from break. I mean, why would you? It’s not like once you get back it will all come crashing down on you like a pile of bricks, crushing your very soul along with your GPA. I’m sure it will be fine. Enjoy your break. You earned it. It’s The Friday Ketchup
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The Friday Ketchup

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You look into the mirror and an unfamiliar face stares back at you. Bloodshot eyes. Greasy, unkempt hair. A bit of dried drool sits on your lower lip. You’re not entirely sure what day it is, though you’re not sure it even matters. Sleep seems like a long-forgotten dream now. All you can think of is the Hobbesian state. You fear a life that is nasty, brutish, and short, so you give away your liberty to the Leviathan, all for a little safety. Sure, he can take away everything, but at least you aren’t getting torn apart in the wild. Look at yourself, though. You’re a mess. A slob. A broken soul slouching along in a decaying body. Maybe Nietzsche was right about liberalism. You’re the last man. The Übermensch never came. The slave morality has crushed your soul and all you desire is a little comfort. You sigh and leave the bathroom. It’s comps week. It’s the Friday Ketchup.
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The Friday Ketchup

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Well, it’s finally winter. Snow has come to the hill, and it looks like it may be here to stay. Be sure to bundle up warm, because it sure is chilly outside. Have you ever been cold? It’s the worst. I was cold once. I was on a fur-trapping expedition out near Yellowstone when I got attacked by a bear and left for dead. I survived and had to make my way back to town to get revenge on the man who left me behind and killed my son. Right in the middle of winter I had to do stuff like careen down a near-frozen river and sleep inside the guts of a horse in order to survive. The worst part was the cold though. I mean, sure the whole getting mauled by a bear thing wasn’t great, and I didn’t like seeing my son die, but getting snow in my boots really sucked. It’s The Revenant the Friday Ketchup. Continue reading

The Friday Ketchup: Iowa Caucus Edition

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Via: jennifermurch.com

Hey did you hear about Sendoff? That sure is crazy, right? I can’t believe the administration would make us listen to a band. I hate music. I didn’t come to Kenyon to listen to it and I’ll be damned if someone forces to me to listen to people play it live. Fact: everyone who has ever listened to music dies. I’m not going to take that risk, and I can’t believe the administration would play with our lives like that. We need to protest this decision. Join me in saying, “Hey, I don’t like music. Don’t make me listen to it!” It’s the Friday Ketchup. Continue reading

The Friday Ketchup

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Hey folks, how’s it going? I sure do hope y’all had a good seven days since we last saw ya. Did you do anything fun? I’m sure you did; you seem like a fun bunch of kids. Didn’t get into too much trouble, though, right? I heard some people at Kenyon have been drinking a little bit more than they should. That’s not healthy. You shouldn’t drink too much. It’s the Friday ketchup.

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