The Most Eligible Crow Bachelors of Kenyon College

The Most Eligible Crow Bachelors of Kenyon College

Matchmaker, matchmaker, match me a catch! Match me a match, find me a catch! That’s right, folks. It’s our first semester back at Kenyon and love is in the air. I know that things can really suck for all you gorgeous single pringles out there, but don’t worry! I have a solution to your temporary bout of solitude! Today I am proud to present you with the most eligible crow bachelors of Kenyon College! These lovebirds are casting their beady little eyes on the student populace, searching for someone to call their own. Perhaps your other half has been right under your nose this entire time (or above– birds go up in the sky). Are you ready to meet these fabulous feathered fiends? Then let’s get started!

(Portraits drawn by that pigeon who snuck into Gund Gallery that one time)

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Peirce Date: Was Late, Then We Ate

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For those who do not know about Peirce Dates, we set two people up on a blind date at Peirce. It’s a great way for students to connect at no price. Want to go on a Peirce date? Want to find your friend that special someone? Let us know! 

On a brisk Tuesday night at 7:04 pm, two souls became one on New side. Sitting 3 tables away, donning rose gold Beats by Dre, I watched a connection form, and felt time stand still.

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Checking Out the Checkout Boy: A Visit to My Alternate Life

 

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I had returned. My third Kroger run of freshman year. Cinnamon walls greeted me with a nod, the quasi Starbucks waved hello, and the terra-cotta tile beneath my feet stuck to the soles of my shoes like quick kisses. I needed honey crisp apples and nothing else. In the produce section, I reaped my harvest, bathed in fluorescent light. With my three apples secured inside of a sheer plastic bag, I walked to the front of the store, and fate led me to checkout aisle 5. His name tag read “Alex.” A boy my own age, he stood at the far end of the grocery conveyor belt, tucked behind the cash register he’d spent the summer learning to master. “Hello, how are you doing today,” he asked as his fingers danced across the register keys, and my breath ebbed. In his “Hello” an alternate life flashed before my eyes. In Alex, I saw my youth in Mount Vernon.

In this life, Alex and I had met in Pre-calc. I liked his freckles and that his gages were only big enough to slide a pencil through. He noticed me because I always spoke up in class, a master of Sine and Cosine. One day, he approached me in the hallway, a quiet confidence about him. Unconventional as it may have been, Alex asked me if I wanted to see Nerve with him at the Premiere Theater on Friday. “I’d like that,” I answered, tucking a green strip of hair behind my ear, “Dave Franco is such a good actor.”

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10 o’clock list: Sexiest Patches of Ice on Campus

Who doesn’t love February? The bitter cold, the cabin fever, the familiar reminder that love is fleeting and death is eternal: it simply screams fun*. But my favorite hobby this time of year (besides licking metal poles with one of my numerous tongues) is finding the sultriest lil’ ice rink on campus. Fellow ice aficionados, you may not want to read this in public as it has been known to induce excessive drooling and/or impromptu renditions of the dance from “Happy Feet”. Here are the sexiest patches of ice on campus:

1) Patch of Ice by Storer

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Soooo slippery. Am I falling in love or just falling down because of the ice I am walking on?

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Romantic Dorm Dinner: Valentine’s Edition

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February is upon us, and we all know that means it’s almost time to celebrate the pulsating muscle inside us all: the yak human heart. Yes, it is the season of seduction. Allure. Romance. And as someone who’s participated in a mutual mouth touch at least 0.268 times, I am fully qualified to walk you through the steps of having the sultriest evening of your life without having to leave campus. Strap yourselves in, kiddos, because you’re about to take the love journey of a lifetime.

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How to Respond to Tinder Messages: A Few Methods

In our fast paced modern world, it seems like everything has gone to the cyber realm, even dating. There are a lot of hip apps out there to find you your special someone, but without a doubt Tinder is one of the heavy hitters. A hopeless romantic, I found myself drawn to its addictively easy to navigate interface, navigating between faces for hours on end. When it came to the messaging part, however, I found that I had a lot to learn. Here are a couple of methods I employed during my first foray into the world of Tinder, at the beginning of summer break.

Method #1: Be direct.

Direct approach in action

Direct approach in action

This match and I chose the same approach, and while I would rate this approach as positive, in that it was efficient and unambiguous, I would also say it was kind of a negative, as it did not result in a further romance. Overall neutral, I suppose. Continue reading

Kosmo Tips: A Kenyon Kid’s Guide to Sex and Romance

Mmm. Heteronormativity. (via cosmopolitan.com)

Mmm. Heteronormativity. (via cosmopolitan.com)

Let’s be real for a second — Cosmopolitan magazine knows nothing about realistic college sexuality. I mean, a mango blowjob? Come on. When’s the last time you saw a mango around here, much less a willing penis? We here at The Thrill have decided to take a stab at spicing up Kenyon’s sex scene (pun intended) in ways that effectively utilize our picturesque yet surprisingly barren hilltop environment. Step aside, Kama Sutra.

The Oral Report:

  • Sensually eat a Wiggin Street cinnamon crunch bagel off of his ding-a-ling. Nothing will arouse him more than seeing you lick awkward chunks of cinnamon sugar and melted butter off of your chapped winter lips.

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