Dear Kenyon Community: I Will NOT Apologize for Popping My Roommate’s Breast Implant

Dear Kenyon Community,

Let’s face it: roommates can be tough. 

Not only are you forced to live with another human being, but you’re also expected to accommodate ALL of their lifestyle choices. Gross! Now, if you’re like me, you sometimes get frustrated by the things your roommate does. Also, if you’re like me, you’re currently sitting in the Kenyon College counseling office, waiting to face the consequences of plunging a No. 2 pencil into your roommate’s left breast.

Now, as I am currently (temporarily) barred from attending classes, the Kenyon Administration has given me ample time to reflect on my alleged mistakes. As such, I’m taking this opportunity to tell you all exactly why that one-tit-wonder had it coming.

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New and Improved Roommate Pairing Questionnaire

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credit: Apple, their Apple Pencil (2nd Generation), a pencil, made of ghosts (probably), this is how they actually marketed it

 

Dear The Office of Residential Life,

It has been several years since my last confession. Though I work for you, I feel as if I could do more to work with you. I am a simple person with simple skills. I can ask politely for things I am paying for. I can put an unlimited amount of raw Sriracha in my tiny, tiny mouth. I can peel an orange in one seamless ribbon but usually I can’t. This is my effort to bring my passion for putting people into broad categories (ie. astrology, MBTI, sorting-hat) to you, The Office formally known as Residential Life. Below are what I believe to be some questions which which truly bring insight to the Roommate Pairing Process. You can reach me at wordpress.com, or at your local Post Office.

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Roommate Ice Breakers

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Just two pals about to start the journey of a lifetime.

You made it! You are at a college where real human professors teach the real human you! Unfortunately, this means you have to interact with your real human peers, and sometimes even LIVE with them in the same ROOM. If the presence of other fleshy meat puppets cause you discomfort and/or spontaneous hair growth, you’re not alone. That sad fact is that living with another FunStudentFriend is required of most first years. Rooming with other people is hard (just ask my seven live-in orthodontists) and can be awkward at first, but with these handy-dandy tips, you’ll befriend your roommate in no time!

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Getting Freaky, Volume VII

via fitocracy.com

via fitocracy.com

Whether you’ve just begun your journey into freakitude or you began it long ago, The Thrill is here to help you improve your safe, consensual sexy sex times by answering your most burning questions. Have a question about x-rated materials? Send us an e-mail at thekenyonthrill@gmail.com with the subject line Sex Q and we’ll answer it in our next edition. Feeling embarrassed? Not to worry– we’ve set up a Gmail account to allow for anonymous questions. The username is “gettingfreakythrill” and the password is “thethrill”. Log in and shoot us an email, and your question may be featured on the blog!

You timid little munchkins haven’t been sending as many questions lately, so my buddies here set up a poll asking you what you wanted me to talk about! After the jump: the results!

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10 o’clock list: Five Bizarre Outcomes of Dorm Life

Knock, guys. It’s the smart choice.

I don’t know about you guys, but with the temperature dropping and the sky oscillating between being a light, foggy grey and an extremely soul-killing grey, it seems the best choice is to stay indoors, cover every surface of your dorm room with plush blankets and order huge amounts of Nite Bites in order to avoid that wind-blown walk from your dorm to Peirce. It seems like a pretty perfect solution right? Well, it is, but with the transition from outdoor kid to complete indoor kid comes the zany experiences of dorm life. As the clock keeps ticking, the encounters get weirder. Here is a list of the five most bizarre outcomes of dorm life.

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10 o’clock list: How to Terrify Your Roommate

Most Kenyon students have had at least one roommate during their time on the Hill. Some people have been very lucky and were paired by ResLife with their soulmate. Others got roommates who peed in their closet on Saturday nights. Whatever your roommate situation, there are a number of things that you could do to shake that unbreakable bond you and your roommate share over Wes Anderson movies.

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