Tinder isn’t a new topic on campus, nor is it on this blog. After many discussions of pick-up lines, weird encounters with classmates, and our general bemusement with the app, we couldn’t help but wonder what our very own alumni might have written back in the day. In fact, Tinder probably would have been quite helpful when Kenyon was heavy on the lords and light on the ladies. I mean, would I have accepted a pick-up line from Swedish Prime Minister Olof Palme ’48? Of course. Just the thought of him gives me sweaty palme. Read on to discover the Tinder alter-egos of your favorite (and least favorite) alumni.
1. Rutherford B. Hayes, 1842. More like Rutherford B. Hayyy-ladiez-wassup? We can only imagine the profile of one of our least favorite alumni would go something like this: I’m the one on the right. Ohio born and raised. Civil War veteran. If you’re a Whig turned Republican, I’ll put a ring on it. I took the backdoor into the presidency, so I’d be down to go through yours too. Hmu on Snapchat: B.hayy69. Oh, and 5’9 cuz apparently that’s a thing. Two measurements btw. Continue reading
In honor of our recent Kenyon fan fiction post, we here at the Thrill decided that maybe it’s time for us to emulate some of Kenyon’s more prestigious literary institutions such as the Kenyon Review or Kenyon Collegiate. That’s right, for the first time, we here at the Thrill are offering some original Kenyon themed fan fiction.
The Impossible Love
Allison, our plucky young heroine, sat alone at a booth in Wiggin Street Cafe. She was waiting for someone. As she waited, she idly swirled her spoon through her vanilla latte, contemplating things that Kenyon students think about – the guy she had stupidly texted Saturday night, her paper on Nietzsche, and her roommate who had spilled hot nacho cheese all over the floor and hadn’t cleaned it up.
She shook her head, wanting to rid herself of those thoughts. She needed to focus on her upcoming conversation. Today was the day she was going to finally tell Rutherford how she felt.
Allison Janney was in love with Rutherford B. Hayes and there was nothing she could do about it. Although she often doubted that it could work, she had to believe in it. If they couldn’t make it work, then love was dead.
Recently, I was reminded by my Thrill colleague’s timely roast of Rutherford B. Hayes that some seriously influential and somewhat baller people have graduated from Kenyon over the past hundred-odd years. With this knowledge dancing around in my brain box, I was compelled to ask: What would it be like if a bunch of successful alumni got together and had weird kids? Once that idea nugget poked its head out of the proverbial egg that is my skull, nothing could stop me from making my dream a reality. Man-man couplings that can’t produce children? Non-intersecting lifespans? WHO CARES. Let’s smash some faces together and see what we get.
Kenyon’s alumni are some of the best and brightest in the world (we happen to think). In this feature, we’ll be celebrating some of our most beloved Kenyon alums with the highest honor any mortal can hope to achieve: notes/letters published on the Internet. Yes, that’s right, the Internet.
Dear President Hayes,
Oh Rutherford, where should we begin? Maybe at the Compromise of 1877? When you ended Reconstruction? And basically screwed over the Black population of the United States? No? Okay. Well. Nah, I’m joshin’ ya, Rutherford. Reconstruction wasn’t going well anyways. Why not follow in such wonderful footsteps as Andrew Johnson. It’s easier that way, Rutherford. Anything to get into the Presidency, right? Continue reading