10 o’clock list: 5 Sex Positions For A Twin XL

Via tumblr.

Sexy-time in the snoozer is tough: walls are thin, roommates don’t leave, and the XL in twin XL has all the disappointment of a double-stuffed Oreo. Yeah, it sounds like it breaks the status quo. But really, it’s the same damn thing, and let me tell you–the thought of getting “stuffed” on a twin XL makes me want to write off sex for a pack of those calorie monsters and Netflix.

1. “Effing and Blinding.” The roommate’s out, the lights are off, and sexy-time has just begun. On your bed. Directly in front of the first-floor window. Oh! Oh! Oh! OH my god there are people outside CLOSE THE BLINDS! Whoever’s on top ducks, swivels around, and lets down the blinds along with all inhibitions. Don’t forget to thrust. If you’re into public sex, throw out a pageant wave to the passerby’s outside as you lower the blinds–you know–long, long, short short short, pearlsHey, it might just be the blind leading the blind, but if you ask me the “reverse cowgirl” just kicked it up one XL gear.  Continue reading

10 o’clock list: Sex Positions Inspired by Kenyon’s Campus

This ten o’clock list is brought to you by the one, the only, Maureen Hoff ’15.

You know what gets really boring? Sex. Ha, that was a joke. I’ve always said that even when sex is not as good as it could be, it’s still sex. (ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT.) But here are some spicy moves in the style of the buildings they are named after. We’re not going into detail here because who do you think I am, Cosmo? No. I’m giving you a general outline. You take it from there.

  1. The Horn: “A lot of noise with no substance.” – Swivel your hips in a disengaged way. Avoid eye contact to show you’re aloof and to ensure that you and your naked buddy achieve maximum pleasure. Play music in the background and sing along as if you know the words. You don’t need to actually need to know who the band is. (Trust me. No one else does.) Your partner will think you’re a hottie anyway. You’ll derive a lot more pleasure from this move if inebriated. That way you won’t feel weird about trying so hard to look cool. It will just come naturally, you flower child, you. Continue reading