How To Maintain A Balanced Diet In A Food Oligarchy

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It’s Tuesday, and the weekend of parents is already a distant memory. Those whose parents deigned to show up were treated to a nice reunion and a hearty helping of guilt. Your parents witnessed your lifestyle, and they are disgusted. When’s the last time you ate a vegetable? For the next couple days or so it might be nice to try to make the family proud. And what better way to do so than filling your body with some actual nutrients? So, in a deep haze of shame, I present a guide to healthy eating in Gambier, OH. Continue reading

Kenyon Mad Libs: A Short Biography of Phil Chase

Kenyon Mad Libs: A Short Biography of Phil Chase

Heyo! It’s staff baby Tyler “Mayonnaise on the Side” Raso ’19 here, bringing you a Kenyon College Mad Lib!

What is a Mad Lib?

A) “A phrasal template word game where one player prompts others for a list of words to substitute for blanks in a story” (Wikipedia) (((that’s an MLA citation)))

B) My Sad Childhood

C) Not the sequel to Mad Max which catalogs the dystopic adventures of Max’s long-estranged twin sister, Lib

D) All of the above Continue reading

10 o’clock list: Cove-Related Thrill Pitches We Can’t Write Anymore

How much more Cove-related content can we produce? Only time will tell.

How much more Cove-related content can we produce? Only time will tell.

Our beloved Cove is no more, and no group of students has felt this loss quite like The Thrill. To try to cope, I have gone through every list of pitches the staff has created since I’ve been a writer here (that’s 3.5 years kids! Damn near an eternity in Kenyon time) and plucked the best cove-related ideas we’ve come up with and can no longer write. If you’re thinking, “Hey, this sounds like a half-assed post! You just copied and pasted what other people wrote!” then you’d be right. Anyways, here they are:

1. “Cove people react to real life.” Ok, to be fair, we could still do this, especially now that “Cove people” have to face “real life.” But writing it now would be more like capturing widespread “Teen Mom”-esque “haHA EVERYTHING IS FINE I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING” panic and not “16 and Pregnant”-type “Wait WHAT IS THIS? I’m excited and scared at the same time!” panic. Continue reading

10 o’clock list: Things We Lose Here

Someone will have to make up for this lost time.

Someone will have to make up for this lost time.

As it happens, the Chamber Singers have a unique tradition designed to discourage misplacing things: the unfortunate must retrieve their lost object from beneath a small, frowning gorilla while their peers sing what is known as the “Walk of Shame” (this is not falsified information). However, even this did not prevent the Singers from losing quite a lot of sheet music, several water bottles, a pair of eyelash curlers, pretty nice headphones, an entire tuxedo and a pair of boxers while on tour this year. The boxers’ anonymous owner felt so much shame that they have still gone unclaimed.

Liberal arts students have critical thinking skills that bridge academic disciplines… and apparently a talent for losing what’s most important: Continue reading

Sriracha Shaming Vol. 2

Give me the rooster or give me death!

Give me the rooster or give me death!

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear. I understand that your life is hard. There are midterms to take and essays to write. You may have seen the object of your desires making out with someone else at the Illumination of Old Kenyon this weekend or seen a professor you once respected grinding with a trustee. I sympathize and remind you that the Peer Counselors’ hotline is on 24/7 for your benefit. That being said, there are proper ways to deal with your sadness, frustration and hurt. And then there are improper ways.

And the number one improper way? Taking the Srirarcha bottle from the condiment station. Your life may be tough, but so is mine, and everyone deserves the slow burn of Sriracha to momentarily take away the bitter pain of a misspent youth.

Recent culprits include… Continue reading