Try This One Easy Trick for Social Distancing: Being Fast As Fuck

Pictured: Sonic the Hedgehog, the only movie this year to outrun the coronavirus

Morning in Gambier comes with the crunch of shoes on gravel. Swarms of students from north and south campus converge upon the hundred-or-so square feet of class area. In a better time, we would have all walked side by side as friends, except for that one friend who has to walk behind.

Now we are all that friend, as social distancing mandates personal space. With the mass of people moving between classes, how can one possibly hope to properly follow CDC guidelines?

As my hero once told me, “Gotta go fast.”

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10 o’clock list: Lecture Series the Kenyon Review Should Sponsor

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Pff. Old news.

If you’ve ventured even two feet outside of your room within the past couple of weeks, it should come as no surprise to hear that the Kenyon Review is beginning a brand new lecture series called “Writers on Writing.” The title is pretty self-explanatory: during the next few months, authors are going to filter through Cheever Room, each talking about their successes and making us believe our dreams are at least at arms’ length. What a great way to liven up our sullen, wintry campus, am I right?

No. I’m wrong. Sorry, internationally-renowned journal that has amassed more subscribers than my Caples double has Asian beetles, but your lecture series is tired. I mean, talks by adults about English? Seven eighths of this campus is crawling with ambitious amateur writers. Reinforcing the old “Kenyon’s-English-Program-Is-One-Of-The-Best-In-The-Nation” trope is no way to go about spicing things up. You want a party? Try hosting one of these series:

1. “Fighters on Fighting.” Stone Cold Steve Austin. Andre the Giant’s grandkids. This girl who hit this other girl with a shovel. Wouldn’t you love to hear how they achieved all they’ve achieved? How their fame has affected their fists and vice versa? No? You just want to give them all lectures on how the popular brand of smack-in-the-nuts entertainment most notably marketed by America’s Funniest Home Videos is slowly destroying our collective sense of human empathy? Yeah, me too. It’d be a cool series, though.
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