GAMBIER, Ohio — A new report released Monday by the Registrar’s Office found that you, a sophomore with several passing grades this semester, are in fact a genius. The report went on to condemn the hundreds of other sophomores who, unlike you, are worthless shit for succumbing to Sophomorus slumpis, a deadly neurological pathogen that targets sophomores.
The Registrar’s Office included a supplement from Monica Spitzer, chair of the Biology Department. According to Spitzer, your particular scholastic aptitude is very rare, even for an intellectual.
“This world has produced many a venerable thinker,” said Spitzer. “The Buddha gave us a path to enlightenment. Adam Smith gave us the framework for free market economics. You, however, belong to a special species of brainiac, as plainly evidenced by your ability to get high most every day and still receive A’s in not one, but two of your classes. Such genetic resistance to Sophomorus slumpis should be commended.”
Your friend was completely shocked by the report.
“Let me kiss your feet. While I do, may I ask what you did this weekend?”
“I danced both butt cheeks clean off.”