It Happened to Him: The Last Housing Lottery Pick in All the Land

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The Housing Lottery has been the talk of the town for the last few weeks. An all-out bloodbath in the name of getting a south campus single, or an NCA with your friends, or even just a single in Mather, as long as you aren’t on the first floor. While I am a first year and had my rooming situation in place previously (thank you, sweet, sweet Zeta division housing), I am trying to feel empathic for those who have no options but to buddy up to a roommate-less friend of a friend in hopes of not getting the absolute worst possible option.

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10 o’clock list: Things I’d Imagine You Could Do When You’re Stuck in the Bolton All Week and Too Busy To Write a List

10 o’clock list: Things I’d Imagine You Could Do When You’re Stuck in the Bolton All Week and Too Busy To Write a List

This list was written in advance by Editor-in-Chief Mia Fox. What do you do if you’re stuck in the Bolton all day? Well all the things the Bolton has to offer, of course! You could do any of these things:

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The Monday Catchup

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This is a real life photo of my real life diary.

GAMBIER, Ohio — A new report released Monday by the Registrar’s Office found that you, a sophomore with several passing grades this semester, are in fact a genius. The report went on to condemn the hundreds of other sophomores who, unlike you, are worthless shit for succumbing to Sophomorus slumpis, a deadly neurological pathogen that targets sophomores.

The Registrar’s Office included a supplement from Monica Spitzer, chair of the Biology Department. According to Spitzer, your particular scholastic aptitude is very rare, even for an intellectual.

“This world has produced many a venerable thinker,” said Spitzer. “The Buddha gave us a path to enlightenment. Adam Smith gave us the framework for free market economics. You, however, belong to a special species of brainiac, as plainly evidenced by your ability to get high most every day and still receive A’s in not one, but two of your classes. Such genetic resistance to Sophomorus slumpis should be commended.”

Your friend was completely shocked by the report.

“Let me kiss your feet. While I do, may I ask what you did this weekend?”

“I danced both butt cheeks clean off.”

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A Formal Apology (We’re Super Serious About This We Promise)

So it’s come to my attention via this post that was posted at 4 p.m. today. Apparently freshmen are human beings who have feelings, and are very okay with publicly saying they were wronged. Who would have thought? Anyway, we’re sorry that we tied you up with rusty chains and made you sleep on a mattress in the middle of the Kokosing.

To be fair, I know you’re worried about getting Tetanus, if you’re up to date on your immunizations that shouldn’t be an issue. See folks, there’s an unlimited number of reasons to vaccinate your children.

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10 o’clock List: How to Make Friends

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It’s been two weeks in this great big hole on a hill called Canyon College, and whether you’re a brand new fresh baby or an old withered squid–it feels like we’ve been here for months. But! But what if you ARE a brand new fresh baby and you visited Canyon in high school and fell in love?? But now you’re here and it doesn’t feel like you have ~found your peephole? Finding the people you can spend 20+ hours a day with, breakfast-lunch-dinner, every single goddam day is a real hard feat especially when you are too afraid to walk into Peirce Dining Hall™ alone. So, you’re lost, alone, and really hungry because the big boy cafeteria might not have a table just for big, beautiful You. The thing is, I am an old and neglected oatmeal raisin cookie that’s crumbling with every touch, but I am also wise and very good at making sheeple part of my tribe. Translation: I am good at making friends, and Now I Will Tell You How You Can Do it Too.

1. Take a seat on any table. Sit on top of the table. Do not even think about pulling up a chair to any spot you approach. If there are belongings on the surface shove them off like the important business person you are. Sit cross legged, and your new friends will flock like flies to honey. You’re the honey in this situation, don’t make me explain further please.

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