We Relive Our Summer Nightmares So You Feel Better About Yours: Act I

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Check out my hot summer bod

Hey! How was your summer?!

Good! How was yours?

This week The Thrill staff welcomes you back to our glorious, digital publication by reliving summer 2019’s low moments because nothing unifies this campus like the love of Kenyon our mother and shared trauma.

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If Resumes Were Honest

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depositphotos.com

When you’re job hunting, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward. To get on the grind you’ve got to sell yourself. Capitalism wants you to dress it up and make it look sexy. Employers want you to give ’em the lowdown in a condensed twelve by eight and a half piece of paper. For those of you looking for direction on how to spruce up those resumes, here’s how not to do it:

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10 o’clock list: Summer Jobs for Your Major

Ye olde summer job

It’s the middle of winter and the Snowpocalypse is coming, but here at Kenyon, folks are already starting to work on their summer plans. Some of us hope to land that prestigious internship for their Senator or at that cool non-profit, neither of which actually pay. Meanwhile, others will be heading home to make some cash working at any number of summer jobs. This year, before you accept that State Department internship, we’d like to present a few new options. Tailored to specific majors, these jobs will put cash in your pocket and let you put those long hours studying to some practical use.

1. History–Server at a Medieval Times restaurant: I have never been to one of these restaurants, but I have heard the troubadours sing their praises in song and story. Embrace your love of history by donning armor and taking part in the joust while delighted six-year olds stare on in envy, oblivious to the fact that their parents are on their third flagon of ale. Drama majors are also welcome to apply. Shout-out to my sister (a senior Medievalist) for this one.

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10 o’clock(ish) list: 5 Skills That Aren’t On My Resume (But Should Be)

In case you can't tell from my cardboard sign, I'm highly qualified.

In case you can’t tell from my cardboard sign, I’m highly qualified.

It’s that time of year, folks — summer jobs are beckoning, and those who already have plans refuse to shut up about them (Nobody cares that you’re “volunteering at your friend’s mom’s NGO”, FYI. Nobody has ever cared. Nobody will ever care.) The CDO tells you to play up practical skills on your resume, but allow me to offer a counterpoint: You’re good at things. Lots of things, probably. So what if none of them are “useful” or “career-relevant”? Here’s a list of some “special skills” I’ve acquired at Kenyon, along with the summer jobs they’d qualify me for if the world was fair — let it inspire you to spin some nonsense of your own into dream-resume material.

1. Social Media Internship: Proficient in TextEdit – Hi, future employer. I imagine you’re seeking a web-savvy intern, and I’d like to emphasize my own abilities in that area. While I don’t know HTML or Java or Photoshop, I am very good at drunkenly composing a sad TextEdit document full of capital-E Emotions right before I went to sleep every weekend night of my first year of college because I had a lot of feelings but also no Microsoft Word. Is this a skill you feel would be beneficial to your organization? Please circle Y or N. Continue reading

In Which We Are Your Mom, Vol. III: Apply for Summer Jobs

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Let’s face it, no matter how independent  and responsible we may pretend to be, sometimes we all need some good old-fashioned mom-ing. Whether it’s handing in your Add/Drop slip or finishing your OCS app, a little shame-based motivation can go a long way, so here goes.

What is the matter with you? You haven’t done your summer job/internship applications yet? What, you think jobs just grow on trees? You think you’re just going to spend three months sitting on your butt in the rec room, eating all the Captain Crunch I work damn hard to pay for and watching that Dog the Bounty Something show all day long? Not on my watch, Miss/Mister. You’d better get your act together, and you’d better do it now.

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10 o’clock list: Summer Jobs College Students Have

"Little Jimmy shows real promise in the frozen dessert industry." (Via Wikimedia Commons)

Classes are winding down, finals week is winding up and many of us feel totally unprepared for the expansive, lonely summer ahead. Finding a summer job is hard! Here is an earnest list of jobs college students typically hold. Cheer up, no one’s temporary employment is gonna be that much better than yours. The economy hates students.

1. Unpaid intern at a non-profit — This job likely includes photocopying flyers and flirting with the 24-year-old administrative assistant who works in your department. And it’s unpaid.

2. Camp counselor — Either sleepaway or day camp. You might get a sweet tan, but you might also only speak to 10-year-olds for three months. Minimal pay.

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