The Thrill Buries a Time Capsule

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The hour was late and the night was cold. I thrust my digging utensil of choice, the spoon I took from Peirce (but will give back), into the moist earth. 6 feet under I thought to myself, I should be there before break of dawn. I dug until the misty morning air began to creep upon the NCA roof tops, my blistering hands on a mission. The oath of my office paired with the cry of the turkey vultures circling above me rang in my ears: Preserve. Protect. Defend. Bury this time capsule so that Fall 2019 at Kenyon College will live on in infamy.

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10 o’clock list: 5 Things That Make the Struggle Real

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Amiritetho?

Blah blah midterms suck, blah blah the Kenyon Krud blah blah you have no dignity left blah. Right about now, shit is getting real. Like the realest of reals. Everybody knows it, and nobody has the time to sympathize. Maybe you got a temporary reprieve from the struggle this weekend while you instagrandma-ed it up with your family all over campus. Maybe you didn’t. If I had, I’d probably be writing about how your family looks like a weird version of you, or about how your brother is a whole lot more attractive than you are. But I’m trying to be less bitter, and your brother still doesn’t go here. So instead, I’m writing about what makes this part of the semester a bona-fide struggle:

1. Life would be easier if we were fuzzy wuzzy. Trust me, not in an emotional way. Stop trying to hug me. I mean in a dogs and horses and groundhogs and other things have fur coats and I’m jealous kind of way.  Consulting the Weather Channel is like reading a damn horoscope. How am I supposed to choose clothing? Highs in the upper 50s and lows in the upper 30s. Hey Weather Channel, stop trying to predict my midterm grade. Abundant sunshine. Oh ok, I see, NOW YOU’RE MOCKING ME.  Continue reading

We Want Your Elementary-School Journals

I Googled "tweens hanging out" and came across this informative article.

I Googled “tweens hanging out” and came across this informative article.

And we’re not too proud to beg. Don’t you want the chance to receive instant Kenyon fame, following in the footsteps of Elementary-School Journal celebs like Elizabeth “EGG” Gambal ’14, Dylan “P.S. What Is My Car” Kaye ’15 or Tim “Futur Tim” Jurney ’15? Of course you do. Don’t be an idiot. Email your elementary-school gems (or early high school, as long as they’re sufficiently embarrassing) to thekenyonthrill@gmail.com, and experience the purest form of Kenyon celebrity.

How to be a Person: Financial Edition–Investing

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Who doesn’t like this?

Okay Kenyon, so I trust you’ve all gone out and followed my advice  from last week (if you haven’t that’s okay too, our government officials are good role models). This week your financial advisor is back with tips on how to make your money work for you (again if you do not wish to save or make more money, follow this link). Continue reading