The Monday Catchup

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Giddy up cowboys and cowgirls! You too Trish, ya heifer! I’m sick of your soft talk about “snow” in “April.” I need to see some gritty two-timing partners at this school. Hell what would Philander say if he saw you complaining?  I’m sure he slashed trees and vines, rode through mud with a machete in his mouth, shirtless, ululating in pain from sustained flesh wounds. Despite this you know he kissed the earth like it was a teat supple with honey before he uttered the words

“How was your weekend?”

“Pretty average, so mostly sad”

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The Monday Catchup

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Students awoke to a disturbing sight on Saturday morning. A fault line laying directly under Middle Path had ruptured, leaving six injured and seven deeply disturbed. The seismic shaking was so violent that the campus split into two halves. No longer will students delineate between north campus and south campus. Rather, the deliniation exists between east and west campus. Makeshift bridges made of peirce cups have slowly been errected to ensure safe passage between the two sides. Just as with walking on the Peirce seal, rumor has it that if you fall into the chasm you won’t graduate. You will also die.

How was your weekend?

“My best friend fell into the chasm.”

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The Monday Catchup

The Monday Catchup

What the heck is up my sweet gremlins! I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about my favorite holiday, Cyber Monday. It’s the holiday of the future! I’m anxious to make a big dent in the debit card shopping for clothes, and gadgets, and lizards at PetSmart. While shopping on Black Friday I only got one of those things on, unfortunately. Fortunately, the thing I got on Black Friday was a discount lizard. Now, I need more lizards in my life! (I’m a reptilian. Cover blown.) How was your break?

“I drunkenly harassed my mom to watch Big Little Lies with me – drama, cashmere blends, murder, first graders.”

“My grandpa put a raw turkey on his head for fun. Ruined the day for me.”

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The Monday Catchup

The Monday Catchup

Today marks the four year anniversary of the death of devoted Kenyon staff member, Gourdzilla. Gourdzilla’s death in 2013 was unexpected. She suffered a heart attack while driving home from work. Her car swerved and met a telephone pole just off of 279. She was declared dead upon impact. When our campus was rocked by news of her death, students came out in droves to share fond memories. Sam Spam ’11 delivered this eulogy at Gourdzilla’s funeral service.

“We are all shocked by the sudden passing of our sweet Gourdzilla. Born Gourdzilla Octavia Stephens, she adopted the moniker ‘Gourdzilla’ as a result of her offensively massive size. Our love was directly proportional to that size. All 1,084 pounds of her will be missed. Rest in peace, Gourd-y.”

I implore you to take a moment of silence today to commemorate our favorite fallen gourd, whether you knew her personally or not. May her soul guide you each and every day. May her morbid, gourd-bid obesity touch you in ways you haven’t even considered. I hope she appeared to you this weekend. In fact, how was your weekend?

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