The Monday Catchup

The Monday Catchup

I don’t think Pine Grove is that good. That’s right. With the tap of my fingers, I just effortlessly bodied the patron saint of this institution. Roast me.  I want to be skewered like a kebob and slowly charred over a flaming pile of sweet, coniferous pine logs. Don’t talk to me about their melodramatic moaning. Don’t even get me started on their “logo.” Someone gave up at step two of “How to draw a 3-D Cube,” and you, Pinegrove Superfan, cannot deny that. If you even try to give me bullshit about how those two squares represent a “very geometrically compressed bird,” I will blindfold you this Wednesday night and make you find your way out of the Pinegrove. If you don’t like what I’m saying about this logo, Evan Stephens Hall said it himself. He admits, “simple colors and simple shapes…define the Pinegrove aesthetic.” SIMPLE. COLORS. AND. SIMPLE. SHAPES. I deserve music defined by raw, passionate, hard, gritty, experience. Save the shapes and colors for babies.

But, I do like Aphasia.

I rest my case. How was your break?

“I had really good Thai food in Colombus.”

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The Monday Catchup

The Monday Catchup

What’s goodie family? It’s your Monday Catchup. Today I’m gonna show you how to bless yourselves on this abbreviated week of school. Welcome. A lotta you have been missing my posts, and I’m here to say keep it 100% cool because I’m not here to let you down. I’ve just been hitting the stacks mad hard lately (before break crunch you feel me). I only have a few poser assignments left to KO before the big FB (fall break), and I’m here for it. Cha feel. I heard this weekend got mad freaky in a good way. Love to see it my friend-tendo 64s. Wigs and jigs. You players know how it is. I got some mad rhyme inspiration** from you when I asked, “how was your weekend?” **link to my SC (sound cloud) below if you’re looking to treat those ears to the sweet sounds.

“I walked into Deb Ball, and it felt like the Beetlejuice netherworld waiting room

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The Monday Catchup

The Monday Catchup

It began at 8pm. Six shots deep, crop top-ed, looking good, you make your way across south campus.

MSSC is just like AD. or DKE. or DPhi. One of those greek groups. Hell yeah.

You approach the doors to Tomsich feeling basically like a badass. Hearing activity inside, you approach with K-Card in hand (and fake I.D.)

Just incase they don’t take K-Card or like you need to be 21. Hell yeah.

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The Monday Catchup

Dear class of 2021,

Congratulations! You’re here! You did it! Each and everyone of you is very, very smart. Or  could afford a very, very smart SAT tutor. Despite the trials of applying — the listless agony of not writing the Kenyon supplement  — you probably came from a wealthy enough school district to make your application shine!  But, who really cares. You’re in the club now. Your K-card photo is still reflective of how you look in real life (just give it some time), and yeah, you DO know who pinegrove is. Great. Time to take advantage of the diverse academic and social landscape Kenyon has to offer. Weekend activities are probably the best manifestation of Kenyon’s commitment to diversity. You get to choose between drinking, smoking, partying, or all of the above. Don’t like it? Let others subtly ostracize you socially. To further bolster my point, let’s see how people enjoyed this past weekend

“My first drink of the night was strawberries and cream tequila. My last drink of the night was beer from a bag.”

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The Monday Catchup

The Monday Catchup has shared a document on Google Docs with you

themondaycatchup@kenyon.edu

to hhhhhhhhhhhh., bcc: old_kenyon_res.

 

The Monday Catchup has invited you to view the following document:

Screen Shot 2017-05-06 at 7.13.26 PM.png

Go ahead. Click the button. Once you do I’ll have access to your social security number, your mother’s maiden name, and the PRECISE location of your last sexual foray. So much for keeping that hookup in the KAC pool a secret. Ew, you did it in the deep end too. Some words that come to mind when I think of two bodies sloshing around are drenched, slippery, and tender. Hypothetically speaking, if I found myself hooking up in a pool, I might stop half way through and whisper in my lover’s ear, “Let’s pretend we are spaghetti noodles being cooked in boiling water.” I’d then surrender my body to the pool  in hopes of later being drenched in Mario Batali’s Tomato Basil Pasta Sauce 24.0 OZ, $5.98, no preservatives, crafted from imported San Marzano tomatoes & fresh basil leaves. Big turn on, I’m told. All hypothetical of course. ;—)

So, uh, how was your weekend?

“I tried turning up, but then finals turned me DOWN.”

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The Monday Catchup

It was a long wait, but Earl Poloshirt finally headlined his own show in Gambier this weekend.  The Odd Future member was initially set to perform at Kenyon College back in February, around when he released his sophomore studio album: I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go Outside.  Tickets quickly sold out, and were even selling on secondary markets like Stubhub and Kenyon Thrift for more than quadruple the price. Earl Buttondown unfortunately fell sick on tour, and had to postpone his show until now. Due to the high demand to see Earl Scubasuit perform, the venue was switched from South Quad to the larger Peirce Lawn, with original South Quad tickets being honored and a new batch of tickets selling out.

This would be my first time seeing Earl Greytea perform, and he has a solid body of work to pull off headlining a set. Two studio albums worth of music provided a steady hour and a half of background music for my love making session with a basket of Krazy Kurly fries.

I went to bed at 9:30pm. How was your weekend?

“I peed right in the middle of a hallway. I know I should say that to you….or anyone.”

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