PLEASE HELP: I’m an Adult Who Doesn’t Understand Bars

Hi there. It’s me, your local embarrassment. I have a confession to make. It’s not really a confession so much as a cry for help. Here’s the thing. I have been 21 years of age since October 7th, 2016 and I have no freakin’ clue how to order from a bar. None.

“But Sam!” You might be thinking, “I swear I saw you at the VI with a drink that one time!” Oh yes you did my friend. But here’s the thing–

I am a sham.

I have a go to technique which works about less than 50% of the time– I order what I overheard someone else order. It’s great because you never know what you’re going to get, just like with life, or a box of chocolates. Although, I must say I’ve never ordered a piece of chocolate called a Long Island Iced Tea which apparently resembles Iced Tea in name only, and accidentally gotten drunk at 5 p.m. on a Thursday.  This is the kind of situation I’ve gotten myself into.

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Things Seniors Surprisingly Haven’t Figured Out


Seriously though.

On Friday, we will officially have one semester left in college. We are at threat level midnight right now and I could not be more terrified. How the hell am I supposed to find a job when I can’t even say that I’ve fully figured out Kenyon yet? I’ve got a semester left, and while yes I have learned a lot, I still don’t know a surprising amount. I can’t do my taxes. I don’t know which of my shirts need to be washed in cold water (I have five shrunken sweaters to prove that one). Above all, after four years I’m not sure I even know what justice is even though I’ve been questing for it pretty much my entire time here.

Good news is, we are way way ahead of the first years. Those kids don’t know anything about anything (even though they are the future of Kenyon and we are just humble Seniors who remember when Papa John’s could deliver to your door). It’s time we really widened the gap and wised up on a couple of things.

Here are a few of the items, rules, common practices that even the Seniors still haven’t figured out yet:

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