Student will eat ass but won’t drink Peirce coffee

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For many students on campus, Peirce’s unlimited coffee is an affordable way to get a quick caffeine fix, but not for Linda Plopper ‘19, president of the ADs (Ass Devourers).

“I wish Peirce coffee tasted like ass,” said Plopper, “It’s so burned. It tastes like caffeinated stinky. Just because I like to toot the rusty old trombone on the weekends doesn’t mean I want to drink hot shit.”

The ADs are an on-campus student group committed to promoting the culinary pleasures of eating cake of the tushy-variety. Striving to destigmatize butt munching, the ADs host a variety of events ranging from sex positivity discussions to bake sales—but their most recent campaign is dedicated to replacing the coffee in Peirce with something more palatable. So why have the ADs taken such a strong stance against Peirce coffee?

“It turns the body into a straw: in through the mouth, straight out the butt,” explained Plopper. “And given our particular lifestyle, we would like to refrain from experiencing Peirce coffee secondhand.”

The ADs have been tabeling every day this week in the Peirce atrium. In a more controversial demonstration, AD members emptied the coffee dispensers and filled bathroom urinals and toilets with coffee and coffee grounds. AVI has yet to make a formal response to the ADs’ demands.     

The ADs meet Sunday (or as they like to call it, Bunday) 11.45PM in Asscension Hall.

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