Cinco de HEYO

casualracism

WELCOME KIDS, IT’S TIME TO LEARN ABOUT CULTURE! If you’re one of the people in the above image, god please keep reading! There’s still hope for you so let me save your soul. 

FACT #1: Cinco de Mayo isn’t Mexico’s Independence Day. Most people know that. If you didn’t now you do! No worries! We all need to be educated sometimes!

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The Friday Kethcup

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Ketchup is, of course, a tomato-based sauce commonly used to compliment various dishes, especially in American cuisine. But do you know how its made? Well I’m going to tell you. You take tomatoes, sugar, vinegar, salt, spices, onion, and garlic. The more ketchup you want to make, the more ingredients you use. You take the tomatoes and put them in a bowl, then put that bowl in the microwave. Turn the microwave on and melt the tomatoes. This makes the tomatoes into tomato liquid. Then you take the bowl out of the microwave and put all the other ingredients in. Shake the bowl up and down without a cover to mix everything up. After that, you’re almost done. Take your feet and step in the bowl to squish everything together. Don’t wash your feet first. When your feet are totally covered with the mixture, then you’re done. Wipe the stuff off your feet and put it in a bottle. That’s ketchup. Throw anything left in the bowl away because that’s not ketchup. You’ve now made ketchup. It’s the Friday Ketchup.
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The Friday Ketchup

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Welcome back from break, kiddos. I hope you all got to spend some time tanning like I did. I sure do love peeling off the skin from every inch of my body, the intense satisfaction of it slowly detaching in my fingers. Like a molting snake I am born anew, tan and clean. All look in awe at my bronzed body, basking in my otherworldly glow. I have absorbed the Sun and taken its light. Darkness runs from me and the pale northern hordes are forced to shield their eyes from my brilliance. I am a golden god. Nothing can stop me. It’s the Friday Ketchup. Continue reading

The Friday Ketchup

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It’s the last day before Spring Break. That’s right, soon you’ll be sitting at home or at a beach or somewhere else relaxing and enjoying your downtime, forgetting about everything at Kenyon, including all that work that your professors assigned over break. That’s right, you won’t be reading that 300-page book for your English class, or that dense 50-page article for Political Science, and you definitely won’t be writing that paper due a few days after you get back from break. I mean, why would you? It’s not like once you get back it will all come crashing down on you like a pile of bricks, crushing your very soul along with your GPA. I’m sure it will be fine. Enjoy your break. You earned it. It’s The Friday Ketchup
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The Friday Ketchup

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It’s Friday night. You’re at a party dancing the night away when all of a sudden you see them. You know who I’m talking about. That one you always seem to make eye contact with in the library, the one who you sometimes dream about but have never actually talked to. You tell yourself that there’s no way someone like that would ever be into you, that it will never be more than an unrequited crush. But, suddenly, you realize they’re making their way towards you. Their eyes look straight at yours. You can feel your heart pounding, and somehow you can hear it above the music. They’re only a few feet away now. They grab you tight, start dancing with you. It’s as if all else fades away and it’s just the two of you, alone. You may have been dancing for hours, or maybe just minutes; you can no longer tell. They lean in so their face is nearly touching your cheek. You can feel their warm breath on your neck. They put their lips close to your ear and, in a voice so soft you can barely hear it, whisper, “It’s the Friday Ketchup.”  Continue reading

The Friday Ketchup

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Well, it’s finally winter. Snow has come to the hill, and it looks like it may be here to stay. Be sure to bundle up warm, because it sure is chilly outside. Have you ever been cold? It’s the worst. I was cold once. I was on a fur-trapping expedition out near Yellowstone when I got attacked by a bear and left for dead. I survived and had to make my way back to town to get revenge on the man who left me behind and killed my son. Right in the middle of winter I had to do stuff like careen down a near-frozen river and sleep inside the guts of a horse in order to survive. The worst part was the cold though. I mean, sure the whole getting mauled by a bear thing wasn’t great, and I didn’t like seeing my son die, but getting snow in my boots really sucked. It’s The Revenant the Friday Ketchup. Continue reading

The Friday Ketchup

The Friday Ketchup

Hey campers, welcome back to Kenyon. I hope you all had a good break and are ready to get back at it! Unfortunately, the beach volleyball court has been closed until further notice due to inclement weather. Also, sometime between Christmas and New Years a roving band of Canadians took over the New Apt tennis court and turned it into a hockey rink, but as long as people stay away from it nothing bad should happen; the Canadians are completely harmless unless you try to take their Tim Bits away. It’s the Friday Ketchup. Continue reading