10 o’clock list: Things You Wouldn’t See on the Village Record

Don’t end up like George, Sr. or GOB…

If you’re anything like me then one of you’re favorite things to do is read the Village Record and read about all the entertaining things that happened over the weekend.  It’s like an official Yik-Yak.  However, sometimes it’s a bit boring  – underage drinking, and noise disturbances – the same old things over and over again.  Imagine if it were even more exciting in this list of things you wouldn’t see on the Village Record.

1. Conspiracy Surprisingly enough, there isn’t a lot of this running around campus.  Or perhaps the conspirators on campus are too discrete to be caught?  I mean, according to Kenyon sources, Spiro Agnew may have been framed

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Hey, Alums — Just Because You Graduated Doesn’t Mean You Can Climb The Cove

Snapchat/interpretation courtesy of Natalie Reneau '15.

Snapchat interpretation courtesy of Natalie Reneau ’15.

Each week our chums over at the Collegian publish a Village Record of illicit goings-on around Gambier, which we at The Thrill use to play rousing games of “Pin The Famous Alum On The #SoQuirky Anonymous Descriptor.” The above, from this week’s edition — “Alumni found to be on roof of college building in the Gambier Grill apartments. Individuals notified that it was strictly prohibited. Also notified of requirement to register as guest” — was Snapchatted to me by an eagle-eyed friend, bearing the legend “Josh Radnor get out.” It was absolutely him, guys. I’ll bet my badge and gun (yes, Thrill editors get a badge and a gun, it’s standard operating procedure) he had Zibby up there with him, staring up at the night sky and naming the constellations.

Tomorrow’s Village Record reveals disturbing trend of pumpkin theft

Photo by massdistraction on Flickr.

The excerpt below, taken from the Village Record (the paper’s feature third most likely to actually get read by students, trailing behind Gambier Grillin’ and Quick Complaints) to be published in tomorrow’s Collegian, illustrates an unsettling rash of attempted thefts that took place on the Saturday of Reading Days.

Oct. 8, 12:46 p.m. — Theft/larceny: students took one pumpkin and two gourds from Peirce Hall. Items returned.

Oct. 8, 2:28 p.m. — Theft/larceny: students attempted to take large pumpkin from Peirce Hall. Report made.

Oct. 8, 11:43 p.m. — Theft/larceny: student taking pumpkin out of Peirce Hall. Safety officer stopped individual. Report made.

Yes, these all spanned less than 12 hours. Were Kenyon students, deeply stirred by the presence of Gourdzilla, just overcome with uncontrollable love for our gourd brethren? Did Peirce put something in the water over Reading Days? Whatever the reason, the would-be thieves should really set their squash sights higher — someone needs to take away AVI’s zucchini privileges.