Alright, I know that 900% of you don’t even know what Middle Ground is other than through tearful lore. For me, it kind of feels like… I’m hip and cool and discovered a band before they got popular and then they break up and all their music becomes this huge thing and everyone’s like, “Oh my god I LOVE Picasso.” So let me explain to your tiny empty brains.
So you learn quite a few things about people when you start working at a coffee shop (yes, I work at Wiggin Street—you can refer to me as your hero, your queen, your goddess of caffeine–and hey, feel free to throw some appreciation in the tip jar–mac and cheese wedges ain’t cheap). One of the first lessons you learn on the job is that you can tell a lot about someone based on what they order for their early morning pick-me-up. And when you work on a college campus? It’s not hard to start seeing patterns across certain groups. Specifically—the ways people’s majors affect their coffee choices. In case you’ve ever been curious while eyeing up a hottie at Wiggle Ground, here’s a little cheat sheet I’ve prepared to help you pick out people’s majors based on their coffee orders. It should give you some idea of what to chat about while you’re both at the counter putting raw sugar in your drinks.
1. English: Black coffee. I’ve got your number, kid—you want coffee as black as the human condition, don’t you? You want to be reminded of Conrad’s Heart of Darkness during the bleak hours of the early morning, when you’re staring into your cup hoping it might hold the mysteries of the universe. Or maybe you like black coffee because it reminds you of your ideal writing style—no frills, no fuss, straight to the point, but also like, refined, y’know? Whatever the reason is, it’s probably loaded with religious symbolism. I mean, what isn’t?
LOOK. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’m preeettty pathetic, and I am at Wiggle Ground preeettty much always. As I write this, I’m on the couches inhaling one half of a sun dried tomato bagel with herb cream cheese, and as you read this, I’m probably eating the other. As far as Wiggle Ground culture goes, I’ve seen it all. And I think it’s time we lay down some ground rules.
In my short time at Kenyon so far, I have deduced only two things for sure. The first: that Kenyon is a pretty damn picturesque place. The second: that Kenyon is down to fuck. Now imagine the epic combination of these two things. What do you get?
Kenyon’s Charming Aesthetic + Sex = Best Porn Ever
Don’t deny it. You’ve thought about it before. Unless you guys are lying on Kenyon Confessions, this campus is mega thirsty and frustrated. I would venture to say that the porn views per capita at Kenyon is quite high. Just walking around campus, it’s easy to scope out spots that would make a great setting for a porn vid. This place is chock full of them.