Kenyon Pets: Colin the Betta Fish

December 11, 2018 By in Culture, Features, Personal, Reptilians Tags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

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Colin is a red and purple lil’ betta dude that I purchased at Mount Vernon’s own “We lov pets” as a consolation when my mother strongly advised against me buying a rabbit on Craigslist. She also shot down my idea to adopt a cat or even just steal Moxie off the streets. Among the many shelves of tiny cups of fishies, Colin immediately spoke to me with his shiny fins and feisty attitude. I got him a tank, gravel, a weird boot to hide in, and a fake plant. What can I say? I like to spoil my son. Since bringing this beast home with me, I’ve discovered that he’s a total freak.

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The Monday Catchup

December 10, 2018 By in Commentary, Features Tags: , , , Leave a comment

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Excerpt from “A Christmas Carrel” a play by me directed by me and starring me

NARRATOR: When Scrooge awoke, the church clock tolled a deep, dull, hollow, melancholy (BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!). Light flashed up in the room upon the instant, and the blinds by his bed were drawn up by a strange figure.

SCROOGE: Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?

FIRST GHOST: I am!

SCROOGE: Who and what are you?

FIRST GHOST: I am the Ghost of Kenyon Past.

NARRATOR: As the words were spoken, they passed through the wall, and stood in the busy thoroughfares of a college campus. It was made plain enough by the dressing of the place that here, too, it was Christmas time. The Ghost stopped at a certain door, and asked Scrooge if he knew it.

SCROOGE: Know it! I spent countless hours here. I remember these walls, this cubic furniture, the ceiling made of windows. This must be the place … I miss it. Olin and Ch–

FIRST GHOST: Don’t say it. It will be too painful for you. Yes we are here. Smell the books. Hookup in the stacks. Talk too loud on the third floor. You loved this place and took it for granted.

SCROOGE: Spirit! remove me from this place. Haunt me no longer!

NARRATOR: As he struggled with this memory and the intense pain attached to it, Scrooge realized he was a first year who had no reason to be jaded about a place he never set foot in save for during a visit day or tour. Man who the hell do you think you are? How was your weekend?

 

“Saw someone eating a cheesestick the bad way. Ruined my night.”

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Spooky poetry inspired by the market sandwich

December 9, 2018 By in Culture, Features, Personal Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment
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Last weekend, our writer Tyler Raso put dozens of Thrill headlines into a bot, and then forced the bot, against its and our will, to generate content for us. Every day this week, one article on the site will be one of the prompts the bot generated. These are our stories.

Peers, friends, lovers. How does one even begin to broach the subject of the market sandwich? How does one even look one in the eye and dare to love? I am at a loss, at a standstill. Where do I start? At the lettuce? The bread? The Thousand Island dressing? I must confess I’ve never felt this way about anything before. A love like this is a burden. It haunts me, consumes me, fills me with something dark and urgent, and, Reader, I am afraid.

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Thrill Forced to Confess Their Acceptable Birds

December 7, 2018 By in Features, Reptilians Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

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Last weekend, our writer Tyler Raso put dozens of Thrill headlines into a bot, and then forced the bot, against its and our will, to generate content for us. Every day this week, one article on the site will be one of the prompts the bot generated. These are our stories.

For today’s bot article, we at the Thrill confess to you the shameful, the secret, the unspeakable that is our acceptable birds. We hope you enjoy.

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Weekday Playlist: Walking to Class

December 6, 2018 By in Features Tags: , , , , , Leave a comment

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It’s 9:58 on a Friday morning. You stand just inside the doorway of Old K, not quite ready to make your way to class and attempt to bullshit your way through your third day in a row of not doing the reading. You need something something special to get you going and thankfully, you know just the thing. You take a deep breath, grab your headphones, and hit play on your favorite Pete Davidson-themed playlist. You skip along Middle Path, humming all the way, until just before you fling open the glass doors of the Gund Gallery, an even better song starts to play! Now you’ll have to wait outside as you appreciate every soulful note because you can’t just stop art in it’s tracks, right? Right. As you sway back and forth, watching all of your classmates shuffle into the building without you, you decide that next time, you’ll be smarter. You’ll choose a song that’s exactly the length of your walk to class, right down to the second. But what will it be? Well, the Thrill has a few suggestions…

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Where to Find a Stephen

December 6, 2018 By in Culture, Features, Internal Affairs, Personal, Reptilians Tags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

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Last weekend, our writer Tyler Raso put dozens of Thrill headlines into a bot, and then forced the bot, against its and our will, to generate content for us. Every day this week, one article on the site will be one of the prompts the bot generated. These are our stories.

 

So this one was really tough to figure out, but, I was tasked with figuring out where to find a Stephen. Did I succeed? Watch the video below to find out:

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