Is This Kenyon or Russia?

oldkenyonaerial.jpeg     It makes sense that people are worried about our government having illegal ties with Russia with all the turmoil and investigations going on in Washington D.C. However, all those scandals in the White House are simply distracting us from the real scandal going on here at Kenyon.  See, there is some very compelling evidence that implies that suggests that the Kremlin has taken a special interest in this small liberal arts college in the middle of Ohio. I know, I know, it’s shocking, heartbreaking even, but unfortunately, it’s true. Forget about all that Illuminati confirmed bullshit, this is where the real conspiracy is at.

  1. Wonder who that mysterious $75 million dollar donation was from? We all know that Putin’s favorite number is 75. In the words of the late great Avril Lavigne (yes she died and was replaced by a clone) “She was a small liberal arts college, he was a “diplomatically elected” Russian president, can I make it anymore obvious?”
  2. If you look at an aerial image of the mod pods recently installed, they spell out  “Russia 4 Evah.”
  3. The words “Decatur” and “Kremlin” have the same amount of letters. Coincidence?
  4. Everyone always talks about how Gambier, Ohio bears a striking resemblance to Moscow. It’s mainly the cornfields but also the high density of extreme wealth in the middle of vast amounts of poverty. I smell an Oligarch.
  5. If all that hard evidence isn’t compelling enough, here is a direct quote from the Kenyon Website about the Russian department students. “They have worked in the American Embassy in Moscow” Mmmmhmmm.

 

The Crap in our Refrigerators: Illustrated

A Kenyon student emerges from their final class of the day and heads to their dorm. It’s 4:00 pm and the comfort of their bed is as enticing as a thick cut of meatloaf slathered in ketchup*. That sweet bliss of a peaceful dorm room is at their finger tips as they turn the handle of their door. However, upon entry, the student knows something is wrong; there is an odor in the room. Now, this odor isn’t a familiar odor. It isn’t the dank smell of the hallway. It isn’t the stale beer of the stairwell. It isn’t the abandoned slice of pizza from an all-campus that has been sitting on the water fountain for 3 days. What could it be? The student strides over to the mini fridge in the corner of their room and flings the door open.

 

* if you do not find this image enticing find me in person and we will talk. Peirce meatloaf is a not so hidden gem. Ketchup is the caviar of the masses.

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Kenyon English Department announces big changes for Senior comps

Kenyon English Department announces big changes for Senior comps

That’s right, the rumors are true! As unconfirmed by English Department Chair Professor Sarah Heidt, the Kenyon English program is doing away with the notorious senior exam and replacing it with a different, more comprehensive test of arbitrary knowledge.

In an effort to cater towards the diverse learning styles and academic skills of the class of ’19 and all future classes to come, the department will now offer a variety of different project options for the senior capstone such as:

  1. Consuming the canon: an eating contest where the first three students to literally eat all of Milton’s Paradise Lost graduate with high honors. All finishers graduate with a degree.
  2. Advanced Texting like an English Major: Can you spell “iridocyclitis”? This capstone project is all about whether you can pass the Scripps Fifth Grade spelling bee list. Start brushing up on those pesky three-syllable long words today!
  3. Senior Honors with Piers Brown: In this traditional senior seminar, everything in the curriculum is the same as pre-Kenyon2020 plan English department except you write all your assignments and examinations in crayon. Hot tip: word on the street is that Piers Brown’s favorite color for students to use is “Beaver Musk.”
  4. Contemporary popular media: it’s just a close reading of that John Green/Josh Radnor fanfiction piece that went around earlier this year.
  5. Independent Study: Two words: solitary confinement. The most mysterious of all the options, those who pursue this track are locked up in their own room in Bexley Hall to do god knows what. It’s assumed you graduate with a degree even though no one ever sees your sorry soul ever again.

Students intending on graduating with a creative writing emphasis will also see their track undergoing major changes.

“We’ve decided that the creative writing capstone project should be limited to the genre of anime fanfiction,” said Sarah Heidt never. “We are trying to produce the next John Green here after all.”

The class of ’19 reacted favorably to the news.

“Elise, this is clickbait,” said Chris Raffa ’19 in regards to the not-announced English Department changes

This is a developing story.

I live in the Netherworld: Watson Dorm

I live in the Netherworld: Watson Dorm

Okay, I know every college student since the beginning of higher education likes to complain about their dormitory, but here’s the thing: Watson dorm is unlike any other dorm experience you can or will have on Kenyon’s campus. I have lived here since August (with the added bonus of moving in early, as a Peer Counselor for training) and I have compiled such a wide and vast collection of experiences in this place that it feels like I’ve lived seven separate lives, all of which have been marked by some absolutely batshit occurrences. Nothing you will read on this or any website will be able to convey to you the full experience, but come with me, won’t you? Come with me on this journey.

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What’s Really Happening Behind the Fence

They told us that the construction behind the fence (in between Pierce and Olin) is to set up study spaces for when they tear down the library. But remember that time when the government said there was no such thing as Area 51? Exactly. So, what is really going on behind the fence? Here are the most likely theories:

1. Meth lab. Apparently the stuff is very addictive. This school is in rural Ohio afterall. Think about it.

2. Private residences for Decatur. It’s common knowledge that President Decatur feels that his current home isn’t close enough to the action on campus. Yes, he can see middle path from his bedroom window, but he can’t really see it from that far away.

3. Plot twist: the bookstore is secretly the new library and those trailers are going to become our new bookstore. Why else would this new “bookstore” have so many tables where people can study? Why else would it have so many books?

4. The trailers have no real function, they are just an attempt at changing the Kenyon aesthetic. People are tired of old Gothic collegiate architecture and stunning tree lined walkways and luscious plots of grass. Trailers are the one and only addition to this campus that will draw perspective students. Trailers and no library. If that won’t increase the number of applicants this year, nothing else will.

5. This is just part of a nationwide social experiment examining how wealthy, privileged millennials react when they are slightly inconvenienced.

6. It’s one of those “The Emperor’s New Clothes” illusions where there actually aren’t any trailers at all but none want to be the person that doesn’t see them so the lie is perpetuated.