walmartstores.com
It’s no secret that Walmart is one of Kenyon’s top off-campus hangout spots and that it’s a great place to meet some really colorful characters. But even better than the People of Walmart are the Products of Walmart—after the jump, we present the top five. (And if you’re looking for some more practical Walmart offerings, click here, because The Thrill is kind of on a Walmart streak this week.)
Please, Kenyon, DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR BODY
1. The HCG Solution—Wow, only $19.88 for a weight loss breakthrough!! Oh wait, look closely. It’s actually a “weight loss breakthrough?” Hey, they didn’t say it was a weight loss breakthrough, they just asked if perchance it might be. So don’t go crying to the FDA when that mysterious eye-dropper-administered fluid turns your tongue green.
2. Exclusive! Justin Bieber My World Dog Tags—I thought the dog tags were bad enough, but then I noticed this is a “wearable fragrance.” Basically, it’s like a scratch and sniff card you wear around your neck. You know, for those days when you want to smell like Justin Bieber but you forget to put on his signature fragrance in the morning.*
3. Snuggies, in both cartoon rabbit and zebra print varieties—At least I think they’re rabbits. They might be dogs; I can’t quite tell. Either way, I was disappointed that they were out of stock of the camouflage variety, but Walmart makes up that deficit 10 times over in the hunting section.
4. LadyFish girl’s fishing rod—Obviously I don’t see anything wrong with products promoting breast cancer awareness, but branding a little girl’s fishing rod with the message “early detection is the key to life” seems a wee bit excessive. Also excessive: gendering a fishing rod.
5. North American Whitetail magazine—Just two questions. 1) When you say “How to Hunt Bucks Under Pressure,” do you mean that the hunter is under pressure, or the buck? Because that buck on the cover does look kind of stressed out, and for good reason. 2) “Dr. Deer Reveals Weather’s Impact.” Is Dr. Deer a person, or is that Dr. Deer on the cover? I don’t think Dr. Deer is going to want to tell you very much at all until you agree not to shoot him.
Have you found any even more bizarre Walmart wares during your visits? Tell us in the comments! Also, thanks to The Thrill‘s very own Stuart Giles for serving as shopping companion/photography assistant.
* I almost got sprayed with this at a Macy’s once. It was terrifying.
The Kenyon Thrill 
What is weird about a hunting magazine being sold in Mt. Vernon?
why so elitist
(town-gown relations have been improving in recent years, let’s please not undo the progress)
how exactly does this undo town-gown relations?
The Thrill should invite some Naz kids to come write a story on “Weirdest Kenyon Bookstore Items.”
I’m a big fan of the $7 machetes.
My dad came home from Walmart fifteen years ago with a machete, “because we didn’t have one.” His father had done the same thing when he was young.
Funny… but a little snobbish. Hunting is a valid ecology-preserving pursuit and camouflage is a part of that. If you can’t handle that fact, then gtfo of ohio.
Steve: I wasn’t making fun of the magazine per se, just the ambiguously worded blurbs on the cover. The magazine itself is fine.
Anonymous #3: Hunting and camo are also fine, but some of the products with camo motifs are absurd. That’s why I had hoped to find the camo Snuggies. Although I suppose if you want to hunt in your Snuggie there’s nothing wrong with that.
Colleen: I actually almost wrote this about the Bookstore, but then decided Walmart would be funnier. But maybe I’ll do the Bookstore next week!
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