Holiday shopping? Please, as if I really care more about your wishlist than my own. I’ve got my own Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Christmakkuh/etc. list to construct. Presents are about me, and I don’t have time to go to the dual NASCAR/college apparel store in the backwoods of Gastonia, North Carolina (fondly referred to as “*~~The Gashouse~~*”) to find a gift that’s just “so you!”

Instead, to help you with this stressful activity, The Thrill has generously crafted a gift guide for all of the most important individuals in your life. And who could be more special than that hottie you were DFMO-ing with in Old Kenyon for the Highlighter (Beach? Halloween? Red, White and Brew?) Party? Thus, we present today’s installment of The Thrill’s Holiday Gift Guide.

• Luxury Champagne — Nothing says “this was the best 20 seconds of my life” quite like a $150 bottle of champagne.
• Framed Picture — Simple, classic, understated. Since a real picture of you and your DFMO probably doesn’t exist, minor photoshopping and Facebook stalking will probably be necessary. All in the name of love, though!
• Mono — The gift that keeps on giving.
• “I’m Nuts About You!” Keychain — Advertised as “the perfect romantic gift,” I don’t see how anything could be more charming. Also, the low shipping price makes it the ideal gift for the thrifty spender.
• Down Payment on a House on Duff Street — Forge his/her signature on the contract, and you are guaranteed that he/she will call you back. Sure, your second date will probably be third-wheeled by some lawyers, what with it being a deposition and all, but at least you’ll have the court reporter’s transcript to remember it by.
• A Ring — Nothing too fancy. As long as it costs three months’ salary, you’re in good shape.