I don’t know if you’ve heard, but apparently there’s going to be some sort of election held tomorrow. Sure, we’ve all seen every major news network in America lose its collective shit about Ohio’s key role in this presidential race and the crucial part that the “youth vote” will play in deciding this election. Still, some people persist in thinking it’s okay to bow out tomorrow, so here are a few acceptable reasons to do so. [Note: “I have class” is not on this list (Oh, really? You have class? You have class at this college that we attend? I guess you’re just plumb out of luck, even though the polls are open from 6:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.). Neither is “I have a paper/midterm/etc.” If you’re anything like me, the mere hour or so you spend daydreaming about pizza during your allotted study time should give you more than enough room to vote. And no, folks, neither is “Ugh, I just hate the modern political system, I don’t want to feed the Man’s voting machines with my hopes and dreams” or whatever nonsense you’re rationalizing with.]
1. You’re too young/not a citizen. Don’t try your hand at voter fraud, boys and girls, because the long arm of the law will inevitably reach you and you don’t want to undo Kenyon students’ hard-earned reputation as Election Day champs. If you want to help out tomorrow, spend the day volunteering to get Ohio voters to the polls, canvassing for your candidate of choice or krumping outside our polling place to keep the voters entertained (polls show krumping is a cornerstone of every healthy democracy).
2. You voted already. Way to early-vote, you enterprising young patriot. Reward yourself by strolling past the eager throngs of voters tomorrow with a smug smile, then spending the day in bed with a Netflix Instant queue-ful of your favorite movies, a snifter of aged brandy and a tray of fine artisanal cheeses by your side. (Or, you could fulfill all your regular Tuesday obligations. But where’s the fun there?)
3. You’re currently under house arrest. If the U.S. government tracking your every move via electronic ankle monitor, a la Lohan, and a team of Safety officers is poised to tackle you should you so much as step foot outside your dorm, you can sit this one out. Chances are, if you’ve convicted a felony severe enough to land you in a Hollywood sock, you may not be eligible to vote anyway.
4. You have a rare but deadly allergy to a specific kind of dust-like residue found solely in the Gambier Community Center. Tough break, man. Maybe pop a Claritin and chance it?
5. You’re a total douche. I know it’s been said before, but if you’re lucky enough to have a vote in this election — an Ohio vote, no less — and you throw it away out of sheer apathy, you are a d-bag of epic and unforeseen proportions and I hope you realize you never get to complain about anything in this country ever again. Ever. It’s the law.
Happy Election Day Eve, one and all!