This post was co-written by Thrill staff writers Matt Delbridge ’16 and Annaliese Milano ’16.
Imagine: it’s warm and sunny outside and due to the sudden influx of vitamin D, you’re skipping down Middle Path, Yellow Brick Road style. Being the graceful little swan that you are, you catch a toe and bite it—hard. Brushing off your dignity and plucking the gravel from your ass, you turn around to see what tripped you up. Ugh, of course, the little square that looks suspiciously like a trap door. Likeomigod it doesn’t even go here.
We know our besties at The Kenyon Collegian already debunked the rumor that there are tunnels under Middle Path, but we’re still not convinced. Some theories as to what’s really under there:
Georgia Nugent’s Secret Tunnel to the Big Apple: Unless the Nuge is packing a private jet in Bexley Hall (or a clone), this remains the only plausible explanation for her sudden appearances and disappearances from campus.
The Home of the Underground Amish Mafia: As a result of the Amish Invasion-like feelings Mommy and Daddy may have experienced over Parents Weekend, they likely consider you to be the resident Amish expert. Thanks to the Discovery Channel they’ve asked you if the Amish Mafia exists at least 3 times each break. Advise them: don’t let the quaint, jam-selling façade trick you.
D’Angelo’s Hideout: The reclusive R&B star is apparently about to release his first album since 2000’s Voodoo, but no one knows where he’s been hiding out for the last 13 years. Where better to hide than under a tiny liberal arts school- it’s the last place anyone would ever look.
Entrance to Hell: You didn’t think the whole “Gates of Hell” thing was real, did you? Well it totally is, and every day we walk right over the head of Beelzebub himself. It’s no coincidence that Middle Path is always free of snow when the rest of campus looks like Siberia; the eternal flames of darkness are melting any snow that dares come close.
Where All the Pierce Cups Keep Going: This is the only explanation that even begins to make sense as to why those plastic cups keep disappearing.
These things are not meant to be known.
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I miss Jack and Anna
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