You crazy kids just can’t seem to stop losing your glasses! Every week, another “lost glasses” allstu finds its way into my inbox. “Blah, blah, blah, I left my glasses in Sam Mather.”  “Wah, wah, wah, my beloved Warby Parkers have gone rogue.” Tell me, how do you lose something integral to your ability to see? Though I understand that the resultant sight barrier seriously impedes owners’ lost glasses recovery process, I believe another glasses issue is at play: similarity of frames.  All prescription wearing Kenyon students have one of five frames. Though this does not increase my sympathy toward glasses-losing individuals, I do think it is a topic worthy of further exploration. Below are the five types of frames all Kenyon students have for their eye-glasses.

1. Round– Either overly small, like the wearer is an intellectual in 1920s Vienna or overly large, like the wearer is a medium-smart college student in 1980s upstate New York.
2. Square–  Large lenses, but characterized by thin, not thick, plastic frames (don’t tell Taylor Swift). Owners of square frames never, ever refit their glasses. Square frames dangle 3/4 of the way down their owners’ noses 7/8 of the time.
3. Rectangular Metal Frames- Always small rectangles framed by purple or black metal. Especially beloved by indoor kids.
4. Scandinavian Titanium– Silver, minimalist and frameless, Scandinavian Titanium is often seen on Kenyon men who love Stieg Larsson and Dan Brown.
5. Prescription Ray-Ban Wayfarers- Owned by 87% of prescription wearing Kenyon students. Virtually indistinguishable from pair to pair except for the ubiquitous, notable and specific scratches found on the lenses.