The Stars Have Spoken! Horoscopes for Kenyon Students

Horoscopes guaranteed to be as accurate as a Professor Trelawney prediction or your money back!  Via

Horoscopes guaranteed to be as accurate as a Professor Trelawney prediction or your money back! (Via

The cosmos has spoken, and it had some (oddly specific) advice for Kenyon students as they descend into bleakest midterm season. Are horoscopes silly? Yes. Should you disregard them? At your own peril.

  • Capricorn: Maybe your mother was right about your choice in major. Rethink your life choices or start prepping for a life of “You want fries with that?”
  • Aquarius: Thinking about skinny-dipping in the Kokosing? Don’t. You’re welcome.
  • Pisces: Stop stealing the Peirce Sriracha. We all know it’s you. It’ll come back to haunt you.
  • Aries: The stars are predicting imminent failure and humiliation. Be wary of your next Old Kenyon DFM.
  • Taurus: The Gund Commons printers really are conspiring against you. Don’t even try printing your essay there or you’ll spend three hours trying to un-jam phantom paper.
  • Gemini: Your friends will lose the ability to distinguish between you and your Kenyon Doppelganger. A new haircut or snazzy hat will put an end to the social confusion.
  • Cancer: Be sure to hit the KAC as often as possible; a chance encounter over post-workout sushi will help you catch the eye of a cute stranger. Just make sure you don’t get the crab roll again, you cannibal.
  • Leo: You will find something unusual on Middle Path. When you do, look around. Are the hipsters more out of touch with reality than usual? Does this feel real? It’s time to wake up. Your family misses you.
  • Virgo: Better make your own Rite Aid run this weekend–that plastic-bottle vodka your roommate favors is definitely causing those awful hangovers you’ve been having. Keep your K-Card well hidden, though–D-Cat is expected to appear in those parts any time now.
  • Libra: Suck it up and go to the health center. Now.
  • Scorpio: Avoid Peirce around lunchtime for a while –if you’re there, a prospie will bump you and make you step on the Kenyon Seal, putting your diploma in jeopardy. Hit Extendo after your afternoon classes instead.
  • Sagittarius: A trip to Goodwill will endow you with a leftover from the Nuge’s “Purple Passion” sale last year. Wear it carefully–only experience will tell if it’s imbued with good vibes or bad mojo.

5 responses

  1. Pingback: The Stars Have Spoken… Again. | The Thrill

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