Jacket-off: Making the Most of Coat-nabbing

kenyon flasher

News flash: it’s a little chilly. If you’ve tried to drink yourself a coat instead of wearing one within the past two weeks you’ve probably noticed that:

A) You’re being followed by small children who seem to think that you’re Frosty the Snowman reincarnated.

B) Your nether-regions have either frozen off or frozen shut.

C) You’re dead.

In other words, if you’re not wearing a coat when you roll out on the town to get weird this weekend, you can be assured that your life is going smashingly well. But actually. You may well be the only person that didn’t have their coat accidentally taken by their outerwear twin last weekend. Go team. However, if you haven’t been as lucky this semester, and your coat has run off with a stranger, fret not. We’re here with tips to make the most of jacket-nabbing season so you can jacket-off all weekend long.

Take your pick. Is your coat buried under a heap of NorthFaces and panicked drunkards? No worries–time to play dress-up! Pick up the black peacoat and turn up the mystery. Grab a Barbour and don’t forget to grab your rifle for the duck hunt. Or maybe you’re feeling the minimalist look–in which case you should just take off all of your clothes and leave them in the pile.

Send out an atypical allstu. Let me guess, you switched coats with somebody by accident. But now you want yours back. Like really. Like right now, dammit. Here’s the plan, Stan: create a ransom video in which you, in a ski mask, hold the mistaken coat in front of a running wood chipper, as you slowly move the left sleeve closer. And closer. And you’ll be closer and closer to getting your coat back. Problem solved.

Don’t lose your jacket. Look, we know this is easier said than done, so be smart. Get a small GPS (you know, like the navigational equivalent to a nanny cam) and plant in in the lining of your jacket. Then, find them.

Don’t take off your jacket. Yes, parties do have a tendency to get you all hot and bothered, so it’s perfectly reasonable to want to take your coat off when you arrive. But really. Have some tact. Don’t perspire! Just keep it au natural under your outerwear. I mean, if you have outerwear, who needs underwear? Classy and efficient. Mmmm.

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