Funky Time with The Thrill: Get Freaky Not Creepy

Welcome to Funky Time with The Thrill where we share our completely legitimate, well-researched and useful sexual advice. Never crack open a copy of Cosmo again; we’re here to crack the code on sex for you.sex-columnist

Are you having trouble in Funky Town this week? According to Kenyon Confessions you are. If you’re struggling with questions too awkward to raise with your freaky-freak, put your mind to rest: we’re here with some long-awaited answers. From dates to mates to vaginas to old time-ass, we feel your funky woes. Read on after the jump to soothe your heart.

I really like this girl I’ve been hooking up with and I want to take her on a real date. Where should I avoid taking her?

Mexican restaurants. For the love of god avoid Mexican restaurants. Don’t make the mistake of thinking there will be a fiesta in your pants after the meal–in fact, the only place there may be a fiesta  afterwards is in the toilet bowl. If you were hoping to use some eloquent little pick up lines during dinner, think again. She likely will not be turned on by Would you like me to put some sour cream in your burrito? Long story short, nobody feels sexy after loading up on shrimp tacos.

I’m a guy and I will readily admit that I enjoy going down on girls–but I’m never sure how to act while, well, while I’m in the act. Help? 

In this situation, it will be perhaps more helpful to discuss what girls don’t like rather than what they do. For example, while you’re going down on the girl, DON’T MOAN. Weird, weird, weird, WEIRD. Why are you moaning? I thought I was supposed to be moaning? Now I’m distracted and freaked out. Essentially, if you’re not moaning, you’re probably ok. If you’re still concerned about your performance, just remember to remain cool. Don’t be too vigorous, don’t act like a cat lapping up milk, and remember that the vagina is not a Tootsie Pop. Thanks, man.

3 responses

  1. What the hell is this? Dont fookin tell me how to pleasure a woman. I’ll moan if I want to, did u ever think that we enjoy it as well? And you should know that there’s more to mexican cuisine than beans and cheese. Obviously it’s a smart move to avoid any gas-enducing foods on a date, thanks einstein. And at least put more than two suggestions

  2. Seriously though, this is kind of gross. Don’t shame men for getting into it and–god forbid–breaking the mask of stoic, patriarchy-imposed machismo to show they’re enjoying something.

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