Yo, those wedding guests know how to party.

You may or may not be aware that there was a wedding on campus last weekend. I became aware when I almost ran over the bride and groom on two separate occasions with my car. Don’t worry, they’re probably on their honeymoon right now and I’m probably not working on my driving. Whatever. What’s more pressing is that pookie and bun bun made some pretty awful choices for their wedding and reception venues. Rumor has it that a lot of Kenyon alums get married. Sometimes to each other. So, if and when, you and your freaky friend decide to come back to Kenyon to interface, don’t make the mistake of doing it in these places:

1. The Church of the Holy Spirit. Right about now, that church probably isn’t looking so holy. Maybe you made out with somebody on the altar last weekend. Maybe you came up with a sex position called The Holy Cross. All I’m trying to say is, you don’t want that flashback when you say, “I do.” More like “I did.” 

2. Gund Commons. This building can only be described as Graham Gund’s Cold War feelings with windows. And when I’m not feeling sad about the Cold War, I like to feel sad about the housing lottery. And then I think of ResLife and those dreams where I’m naked in front of everybody at the KAC, pleading for an NCA. And because I’m naked, I start thinking about Shock Your Mom. And then I remember that one dude who just wore a mustache over his bottom bits. And then I think about Stash Bash. Then I start thinking about slipping on vomit on the dance floor. And by the time I get through all of this, I’m laying on the floor of Gund Commons, getting married, and then I’m not, because IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Long story short, if you want nightmares, get married in Gund Commons.

3. The Mather Breezeway. “Here comes the reefer, all dressed in keef-er/ Sweetly serene in the soft glow of Weaver/ Lovely to see/ Marching to thee/ Is campus safety/ Guilty for all of eternity.” You get the idea.

4. E-block. New Apts. might not be the best place to start your ‘new’ life. However, if you’re looking for that destination wedding vibe, E-block might be just the place for you. With water that only works sometimes, it has a dystopian, lost Olympic Village feel. You can tell your kids years from now about that asbestos that you got as a wedding gift. I bet that wasn’t on the bridal registry.

5. The Bone Room of Palme House. It’s like Westminster Abbey at Kenyon! Except with less Elizabeth I and more monkey bones! Trust me, she’ll be all ‘marmo-set’ to be ‘gibbon’ you her hand. Now take her ‘macaque’ to the place you met and let her ‘bonobo’ how you feel!