google image search result: winter paaaarty

Welcome back , are you ready to party? The weather is deep in the negative degrees but that doesn’t mean your common sense has to follow suit! We don’t want you to fall prey to the tricks of winter, especially not the first weekend back. So whether this is your first winter in the 43022 or you’re a seasoned vet, check out our handy guide to keeping warm/sanity/your coat on your body.

Tie those big winter coats together, dammit. You’re buzzed, and you’ve just entered a new foreign space. Your ~crew is mere steps behind you. You look to your right or left, and see a pile of dark, similar looking coats. You pause for one mili-second and this is the moment of truth. Shed your coats and tie the sleeves together, making one big monster-coat. You’ve just created a guaranteed way to avoid any drunk person mistaking their jacket as yours because they only have one coat, not 10 million coats. Also, booonus: if you lose your coat you just have to find one of the seven that are tied together! You get to leave any party with a little more dignity; not a lot, just a little.

For the love of god, check your pockets. There is so much shit in them that you will definitely find anything you’ve lost in the past 24 hours. Your phone, glove(s), headphones–they’re all in those pockets, you just need to dig a little more.

Repeat after me: just the Bare Necessities. Stick your k-card in between your phone case and phone, or get one of those wallet-cases so you only have one thing to hold in your hand. Be very cool and carabine (that’s a verb right) your keys to the belt loop of your pants.

It’s actually cold, so don’t be an idiot. Layer, layer, layer. It’s so much colder than drunk-you thinks. Just do it. Please. Travel with friends, especially if you feel yourself getting fairly drunk. The buddy system works for a reason.