“Utterly baffling” said Brozo Schmiks, ’19 upon exiting a showing of the recently released film, Lady Bird. “I though I would come home and see an engaging and informative film about ornithology, but instead I was forced to watch a piece-of-crap coming-of-age story.”

Schmiks, a Biology major with an emphasis in environmental studies, has long time been a supporter of the arts, especially Kenyon’s niche, student-directed films. He says he even has filmed some videos with his iPhone from time to time.

The “misleading”, and “boring” film “really upset” Schmiks and ruined his remaining weeks at home. He spent sleepless hours agonizing over what he would have done with that hour and a half to further the scientific adgenda.

“I don’t even think birds were mentioned aside from the title,” Schmiks later told his advisor, who tried to explain that the title “bird” was more metaphorical than literal. Brozo was later seen in the fetal position on the floor of the Biology reading room.

We reached out to Schmiks’ counselor about the issue hoping to gain more insight into his trauma. She told us that his current emotional fits are similar to those she saw in 2014 shortly after the release of the film Birdman.

Schmiks’ roomate, Jordyn Jaryn, tells us that Schmiks is “doing well” in his make-shift nest of blankets and pillows. Now we are told, he can be found sitting on two Kinder eggs, hoping they will hatch.

“Just a fucking weirdo overall,” Jaryn commented.