Greetings, fellow water drinkers.

After the grueling drudgery of your morning classes concludes at noon, the only bodily need your remaining brain cells are capable of processing is thirst. As you burst through Peirce’s double doors, there she is: The Bronze Beast.

Peirce’s lobby is full of distractions. Stained glass windows, spiraling staircases, an untrodden seal. All hindering true enjoyment from the real spectacle here: The Bronze Beast. The Copper Conundrum. The Iron Maiden. This water fountain is unlike any other I’ve encountered, requiring drinkers to physically enter its gaping maw to enjoy its sweet nectar. But just how sweet is that nectar?

Enter: The MOIST Meter.

Mouthfeel – Certainly chemical. Heavily treated and somewhat floral. Tastes like the water passed through a pile of dry, dirty leaves.

Operation – This machine is fascinating. Two separate buttons: a steel arcade-cabinet button, the other like a little bronze cartoon TNT detonator. Both equally unhelpful, requiring massive amounts of pressure to activate, and with little reward. The left stream flows in a measly dribble, meaning I had to press my lips up against the walls and futilely suckle. You’d have a better time sticking a funnel in your mouth, standing in the rain, and tilting your head back. The right stream is a bit more forgiving, positioned higher and arching upward, providing an easier swig.

Pathetic dribble.

Intensity – A very soft texture, almost creamy. Like soda, but sad.

Salinity – Not. At all. It tastes like vase water.

Temperature – FRIGID. Jesus Christ, my tongue froze to the stream. Fire department was called to saw my face free.

My final judgement on the Peirce Lobby water fountain is: M(3) O(2) I(3) S(4) T(8). 20 out of a possible 50. Not for taste, but if you’re looking for the closest thing to wet ice, this is for you.

And so the hunt continues…