Look, I know at Kenyon we all like to think of ourselves as ~creative types~ but here’s the thing–I really am. I’m bursting with ideas for parties that are Hip and Cool and not the normal, played out, ho-hum shindigs you see every other weekend. It’s like yeah, we get it, this party is 90’s themed, fucking great, Ryan.

Apparently, though, my lame and boring friends don’t agree, and they love to shoot down the plans I come up with. But here–on the Internet Super Highway–no one can tell me which party ideas are bad, and so I elect to believe none of them are. Here are some party theme ideas that I’ve come up with that are APPARENTLY bad, but which I know are actually super sick:

1. Medieval Themed Party: Come as you would be in the middle ages! Me, I would come as someone who was banished from England for the crime of being born a heathen Jew. But what can you do, right?
2. Surgery Party: Sexy doctors and also a full tank of anesthesia, just for kicks.
3. “Marley and Me” Viewing/Theme Party: Nothing to lift the spirits after watching the seminal film about a sweet dog dying and Owen Wilson weeping openly like a kegger where everyone is dressed as sad Owen Wilson or a dead dog.
4. Frisbee Party But We’re All Just Fans, Not Players: Love that good flying disc, why not have a party for it where we know none of the terminology or moves or whatever the hell?
5. Soufflé Baking Party: Shhhhhh! Quiet hours only!
6. Arbor Day Party: Gambier may be losing its trees at a rapid and frankly upsetting rate, but I’m sure not losing my love for them!
7. Help Clean Up My House Before My Grandma Comes to Visit Party: Please guys it’s a huge mess, the floors are so sticky and my grandma HATES a messy house.
8. Birthday Party for my Friend Who Goes to Iowa and Who Isn’t Visiting: Happy birthday, Katie!