Exciting news! Recently I’ve discovered that I have psychic powers! Now you may be thinking, “wow, how’d you find that out?” or “that sounds like a lie you made up for attention.” I assure you, however, these abilities are very real. Why else would my brain echo with screams from one thousand unseen mouths?

While I am 100% sure that my ESP is real, I have yet to figure out quite how it works. So naturally, I set out to discover the exact nature of my supernatural gifts by seeing exactly what I could do. So many methods of divination, where was I to begin? Well here’s the list and the results:

Palm Reading

CASE A:

“I can see here that you must be a Capricorn.”

“Uhh… No. I’m a Taurus”

“I don’t know man you should tell that to your palm”

CASE B:

“It seems like this line right here is an exponential growth curve”

CASE C:

“Do you know what that piece of lead in my hand is?”

“My psychic powers tell me you got stabbed with a pencil.”

CASE D:

“Of course! You must be vegetarian.”

“I just had a burger for lunch.”

Telepathy

So for some reason whenever I tried to read someone’s mind, I was just floored by the loudest playing of Ricky Martin’s “Livin La Vida Loca” I have ever heard. No one around me claimed to be thinking of this song. I will look into this further.

Crystal Ball Reading

Alright, so I didn’t actually have access to a crystal ball. BUT if I just shut my eyes really tight and then press my palms into my eye sockets like I’m some Guillermo del Toro monstrosity, I see a bunch of weird colors and stuff. Extrapolating from these images, I can divine that I will play checkers in the near future, and the color green will be involved.