The Psychic Sessions


Exciting news! Recently I’ve discovered that I have psychic powers! Now you may be thinking, “wow, how’d you find that out?” or “that sounds like a lie you made up for attention.” I assure you, however, these abilities are very real. Why else would my brain echo with screams from one thousand unseen mouths?

While I am 100% sure that my ESP is real, I have yet to figure out quite how it works. So naturally, I set out to discover the exact nature of my supernatural gifts by seeing exactly what I could do. So many methods of divination, where was I to begin? Well here’s the list and the results:

Palm Reading


“I can see here that you must be a Capricorn.”

“Uhh… No. I’m a Taurus”

“I don’t know man you should tell that to your palm”


“It seems like this line right here is an exponential growth curve”


“Do you know what that piece of lead in my hand is?”

“My psychic powers tell me you got stabbed with a pencil.”


“Of course! You must be vegetarian.”

“I just had a burger for lunch.”


So for some reason whenever I tried to read someone’s mind, I was just floored by the loudest playing of Ricky Martin’s “Livin La Vida Loca” I have ever heard. No one around me claimed to be thinking of this song. I will look into this further.

Crystal Ball Reading

Alright, so I didn’t actually have access to a crystal ball. BUT if I just shut my eyes really tight and then press my palms into my eye sockets like I’m some Guillermo del Toro monstrosity, I see a bunch of weird colors and stuff. Extrapolating from these images, I can divine that I will play checkers in the near future, and the color green will be involved.

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