Whether it was a family phone call when I accidentally called my sister a hairy gorilla, last week’s lunch date with my girlfriend when I gave the wrong answer to a very tricky question, or an off-color joke I made last night about my buddy’s relationship with his parents, I often find myself needing to take some time to simply shut the fuck up. As a Kenyon student, when my mouth has gotten me in trouble I’ve found it smart to be quiet, depart from the situation in which I’ve created turmoil, and find a comfy place to sit and observe instead. In moments when I’ve put myself in timeout, while people-watching, I have assembled the following list. So without further ado, I present to you my lovely reader, The Types of People You’ll Find Around Middlepath.

1. Mysterious writer

You’ve seen this guy around campus before, but always sitting alone on his laptop outside one of the shops in the center of campus. He wears only neutral colors, chain-smokes his hand-rolled cigarettes, and doesn’t look up from his computer unless to stare off longingly. However, now that you think about it, you haven’t seen him type a single word. 

2. Publicly affectionate couple

Oh God no, not these people again. You thought you’d have escaped this type of couple once you graduated high school, but here they are sitting on a park bench along middle path, either making out or taking a break from doing so to gaze into each other’s eyes and breathe hot breath onto each other’s faces. They probably assume that no one understands the depth of their relationship, and honestly, you’re glad you don’t. 

3. Sleeper

Whether it was a long night, forgetting to get a morning coffee, or just the warm sun beating down, this person has decided that these Adirondack chairs would be the best spot on campus to fall asleep at 12:30 on a Tuesday afternoon. However, you’ve got to admit, you’re a bit jealous. 

4. Paranoid Freshman

As you’re walking back to your room at 1am, you notice a small group of students huddled around the picnic tables outside your dorm, smoking what you can only assume is a joint. You don’t pay them much attention, but you do need to walk past the group to get inside. As you approach, a stick cracks under the weight of your foot, and by the time to look up they’ve disappeared into the dark of the night. Is this the power campo feels? you think to yourself cooly, as you unlock the door to your dorm. 

5. Your Professor

You notice them and they notice you, the eye contact made that clear. Do you say hi? Will they say hi to you? They teach your largest lecture so they might not even know your name, right? Would it be rude to walk past without acknowledging them? You realize you’re just psyching yourself out, simply greet them as you pass by. Here it comes. “Hi professor, how are you?” “Surviving”… What’s that supposed to mean? Is that a cry for help? You’re still unsure if they know your name.