Our beloved Cove is no more, and no group of students has felt this loss quite like The Thrill. To try to cope, I have gone through every list of pitches the staff has created since I’ve been a writer here (that’s 3.5 years kids! Damn near an eternity in Kenyon time) and plucked the best cove-related ideas we’ve come up with and can no longer write. If you’re thinking, “Hey, this sounds like a half-assed post! You just copied and pasted what other people wrote!” then you’d be right. Anyways, here they are:
1. “Cove people react to real life.” Ok, to be fair, we could still do this, especially now that “Cove people” have to face “real life.” But writing it now would be more like capturing widespread “Teen Mom”-esque “haHA EVERYTHING IS FINE I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING” panic and not “16 and Pregnant”-type “Wait WHAT IS THIS? I’m excited and scared at the same time!” panic.
2. “Guide to ordering Cove (how to conduct yourself in various situations [tuesday night studying, pre-sex, post-sex, no sex, post-breakup] when and when not to order it. HINT: ALWAYS ORDER IT. Also some conversations from my drunken nights when I’ve spoken to Ricky. ‘Gambier Grill, this is Ricky’).” I don’t have much to say about this one, except that I’m curious as to who Ricky is and what he is doing now. If you have any info, plz inform.
3. “Kenyon Conspiracy Theories – either bust them or prove them (As of right now all I have is a cubicle scribble in the library that says ‘Agnew was framed’ and I want to write an article based on that, but we can do others as well… This may be similar to myth busters but I feel like it’s a different angle that tackles more unreasonable rumors, like ‘the cove will be replaced by an NCA.'” Though this is only cove-related at the end, the fact that what was once an “unreasonable rumor” is now a reality is, frankly, frightening.
4. “‘Can you order this from the cove?’ – At 1 am on a Saturday, someone calls and finds out if you can order a given item at the cove. Mostly this is because I want to know if they have hot dogs. Has anyone ever tried to order a hot dog from the cove? Was it good?” This is an INCREDIBLE question. Did you know that you could buy cases of beer at the Cove?
5. “Papa johns garlic sauce vs. cove ranch – bougie/semi-homemade recipe ideas? I feel strongly about this.” This, and the following related idea:
5.5. “Investigative journalism re: ranch dressing at the Cove — what is it about the Cove that makes it okay to put ranch dressing on things that should not (in any realm of social acceptability) have ranch dressing put on them? What brand of ranch is it? I don’t know, this is a passion piece.” There are FEW things I miss as much as a good Mac-n-cheese wedge in that glorious, ranch-flavored substance. The tangy flavor and oddly-liquid consistency are unmatched by ranch at every other place I’ve ever been.