As of today, we’re officially T-minus five days from Peirce spending two-thirds of their budget on intensely mediocre surf and turf, or, as some may call it, Valentine’s Day. For those not lucky enough to be chosen for one of The Thrill’s always successful Peirce Dates, we’ve got you covered. Need a date to Pep Band Formal? A reason to skip Pep Band Formal? Well then read on, and learn why I’m ready to offer myself up as the perfect Kenyon Boyfriend.

1. Good cook: Peirce sucks tonight? Don’t worry, I can make you something back at the NCA. More specifically, I can make you a loaf of bread. It’ll take 18 hours to proof and one more to bake, but that’s fine, right babe?
2. Will attempt to braid hair: I’ve seen Little Women three times by now, so I don’t think I even have to defend myself on this point.
3. Short king: I am a solid 5 foot 3 inches a.k.a. just short enough that you have to reach the top shelf for me, thereby making you seem tall and cool, thereby boosting your self-esteem, thereby making me the best possible bf.
4. Bone cracker: Woah, you’re looking super tight. No, not in that way—your shoulders look mad tense. Let me walk on your back and we’ll sort that all out ;)
5. Human weighted blanket: Lost the Health Center raffle for your very own weighted blanket? Well, now you have someone who will lie motionless on top of you as you drift to sleep! What more could you ask for?